Guilt is one of the harshest emotions when grieving. The last thing you need after losing someone is being kicked while you are down, so it is even worse when your the one kicking yourself. Over the whole grieving process, I really don’t feel I owe anyone an apology except myself. Like I said in my last post, Its The Little Things, I spent a lot of time grieving what they lost, and it took a while to start to realize my own. As I look back at these writings, I see hints of things like acknowledging we would not be going to the Jack O Lantern festival at the zoo for the first time in almost a decade. I thought about the feeling I would have not having her here to raise Ava with me. Not share any more moments with her. 

Today as I write this post, Ava turned 6. Its her bday and she is doing remote learning in the next room. She had been sick but is much better now. Whenever we have a milestone, or if she is sick, I get so down. I always miss Kim, but she was my rock. To not have her sense of security and bravery brings out how scared of this life I am inside. It is not easy to go through life, let alone raise a 5 year old, yet during a pandemic. Luckily I don’t really have time for more fear or anxiety so those thoughts cant fester like they did in the past. Not yet anyway.

Today we are not having a party for anyone other than us two. We cant have a large gathering like we did last year when we rented the zoo. I decorated the house while Ava slept and put her gifts under the birthday tree, so that was fun. I even pulled off a cake today that was my attempt of a unicorn. I did not even know how to use a icing bag so I had to you tube it. It’s those moments though that prove we do have a choice. I could have chosen to not do anything, or buy a cake, and that would’ve been ok with Ava, but it wasn’t ok with me. Remember what I say, we cant choose what happens to us but we can choose how we respond. 

Our kids are our legacy. Without Ava, I don’t know what my purpose would be anymore. Work? Sleep? I don’t know. If your reading this and you do NOT have that focus to give you a purpose, it does not mean there isn’t one, it just means you haven’t found it yet. If you could see my camera roll, you would know that Ava carried me through those darkest months. We stayed so busy and worked so hard to move forward. It allowed me not to just distract, but to reflect and gain perspective.  In these early posts I’m sharing, you will also see another theme. One of doubt regarding what happens after we die. You will see that through reflection, prayers, and meditations, I was able to ground my mind to come to my own solace. Do I KNOW what happens after we pass? Of course not. But, I can truly say that regarding that topic, I know enough now. I trust my beliefs that I have.

This post I am going to share was a lot longer so I’ve edited it down. It was a day before Halloween so I’m sure that made my mind race even more.

Kim,

Today would have been your 3rd day at your new job. It’s around lunch time right now so you probably would be texted me about it all excited. I’m sure you would have sent me a picture of your new office. I remember how shocked you were at how big it was going to be. You worked so hard to get out of that job you hated. Im so, so proud of you. I hope you know that.

Ava and I were talking about you this morning. I started telling her a story that I had already told her about you and she got mad at me and started yelling at me that I’ve already told her that a 100 times. I was already upset thinking about you and I kind of snapped at her in the car. She got sad and just stared out the window and wouldn’t talk to me. I apologized a bunch of times but she stayed mad just like you used to do to me at times. Eventually we started talking and played I-spy in the car.

I cry at the thought of our family. Ya know, Everyone keeps trying to help and say the right things, but they don’t get it yet. I’m not just carrying sadness for myself… And I don’t have any doubts that I can’t do a good job with Ava. I know I will because I love her the way we loved her together.

People don’t understand that the 2 biggest things I am grieving over is how your life was cut short when you had so much going for you and how Ava no longer has a mama. You 2 were best friends. Things that I have to make a focus on doing for her was just 2nd nature to you. You loved doing these craft projects and things with her whereas for me it’s something I’m putting on my list that I need to be sure I do so that I keep her happy and growing to be the beautiful bright little girl that you raised. People think I’m scared because I can’t do it. I know I can do it but the problem is I can’t do it like you. We were a team. While you were making supper I was playing with her or teaching her something. She doesn’t have a brother or sister to play with so we were her best friends. Now when I’m in the kitchen making her food, she is alone. If I need to go to an appointment and cannot bring her, she is with the somebody else, not you or me. We always interacted with her, restricted how much TV she got etc. There’s no way she is not going to sacrifice those moments where there is just one of us here Babe. Everyone’s telling me how I’m going to need to take time for myself and still do things etc but they do not see this. How can I take even more time away from her with her one remaining parent when she was already robbed a life with you.

We had a lot of fun last night at home for most of the night but she gave me a really hard time getting her to go to bed. You know how she always made me go in there 3 times every night after she was in bed right? Well on the 3rd time last night she hit me with, I miss mom. Part of me thinks she was bringing that up at that time to extend her bedtime but I cant just dismiss it. The truth is I know she misses you. How can she not? I have a hole inside me that feels like it is getting bigger and bigger every day without you here. When I “settle down” (your fave expression) I come to the realization that this is life now. Crying, praying, screaming is not going to bring you back so focus on the present and do what I have to do. Some days I’m able to do that

Todays a little tough.

I love you, I miss you, and I know one day ill see you again somehow. I wish I knew that you were watching me, I wish I knew that you We’re here with us in some way, but all I can do is believe. I’m going to pick Iva up later and her and give her a big hug. I started to book her birthday party for April. You gonna be mad but I’m doing Roger Williams zoo which I know we always said was too expensive. It is too expensive but she is turning 5 and you and I went to that zoo so many times together even before Ava. Remember how many valentines days we would go there? We have so many pictures of us all there as a family. My plan is also to take some of our Dave and Busters points we had on our cards and get her a gift from there that will be coming from you. I’ll let her pick something out there. It’s another place we spend so much time at. I’ll never forget surprise birthday party you threw for me when I turned 40. I truly was surprised. No one had ever done anything like that for me in my life. I remember you getting up and giving a speech. You thanked everyone for coming… But I remember in particular you saying… Sometimes things get tough for us but you wanted me to know that you really do love me. midge, i always knew….. and i will always love you.

It has been a year and a half. Some of those things are not easy to maintain. We tend to use TV a little more than we used to. I won’t lie. It stays on PBS or even FOOD Network. She still can’t watch SpongeBob or “fresh” shows. Other things though, those are not going away. We baked her b day cake together. We just built and launched our second model rocket last weekend. And, we are painting crafts tonight. Not because I have to, or that I feel guilty, but because I want to. I want her to know that though life is not fair, her mom and dad will always do everything to make it a little better. 

If you don’t have a child, it is ok. You can have this impact in the life of anyone you know. You just have to want i. We all have a purpose and that purpose is not the same for each of us. It is not hard to bring good into the world, i’s only hard to committing to doing so. 

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