It truly is unbelievable when yourrealize how fragile life is and how quick it goes by. I was thinking about this… if you lived to be 100, that would be considered a long life, right?In reality, what is that? 100 Christmas celebrations? 100 summer getaways? 100 fall family getaways? Is 100 alot?

I guess that depends on what we are talking about. 100 pennies? Eh, not so much. 100 thousand dollar bills, different story. So in essence, its not about the quantity of days we live here, it is about the quality we derive from those days we are given.

Kim exuded life. She worked at every aspect of her life. Her education, her work credentials, but most importantly, being a mom. you know, I tell people this saying. I dont know if I made it up, and in fact, I guess its not REALLY a saying as it is a observation, but I like to say, ” I spend quite a bit of time in the cemetery, and of all the stones I see, I never see anyone’s job title on there”. Too often we do not know how to balance what is truly important in life. Kim, well hell, she attacked everything.

It was about a month after she passed where I really started to use my social media page as a private journal. I started just writing posts only I could see, and then opened it up to some more friends. Those friends responded well to waht I was writing so I opened it up to more, and more, and well, here we are. At the beginning of it all, I was writing to make people get to know her and not  forget her. Over time, the writing was helping me process, and I guess it was helping others cope with things in life too. If you are going to follow this journey on here, you won’t be able to fathom the gravity of the loss until you get a better picture of just who she is. Here is one of the posts where I helped introduce her to those not as familiar: 

When I first met Kim I was interviewing her for a position with my company. I remember sitting with her and seeing she had a Bachelors degree. I said “you do know what the pay rate is here right?”. She told me she was just lookin to save some money till she went back for her masters. Desperate for good employees, I hired her thinkin maybe she would just be like many others and 1 year turns to 2, 5, etc. and I would have a good employee for a long time.

Instantly I learned what a committed and hard worker she was.  She always just pushed herself to be the best. Well, we started dating months later. Eventually, she took a job as a case manager in a health clinic. Again, I watched her give more than 100 percent to a job that was more demanding than appreciative. Eventually she said she wanted more and was capable of more so she was hired at a major medical center as a analyst. She worked on research projects and would go in on weekends and stay late to meet or exceed deadlines. She never gave less than 100 percent. Again though, she wanted more.

She told me she was ready to go back to grad school. Problem was there weren’t many options for Public health epidemiology. There was Brown in Providence or she was gonna have to go some school somewhere further away. We didn’t want this so she applied to Brown and got in. Brown. Wow. We were both so happy. She knew it’d be a challenge but was ready. That was until the night we were standing upstairs near the bedroom and she told me she was pretty sure she was pregnant. Wait, huh? Her doctors told her throughout her life there was no way she could have a baby. Surprise. She called Ava her miracle baby. So, while all these kids were in college struggling to get through, Kim was pregnant, and Working full time, and nailing these courses. Where many people would have used it as an excuse or a crutch, she just saw it as another challenge in life.

Though we were so proud of her achievement and her degree, her biggest accomplishment was giving birth to our daughter.  I don’t mean to offend anyone here when I say this but I’ve just never met a mother who cared more about every second of their kids life. I’m sure my feelings are amplified because I’m so close to the situation and this was my family, but she never took her foot off the gas pedal. She didn’t have games on her phone to play during her free time like I do, she had apps about child education, nutritional intake for toddlers, and math problems for kids. When she took down time from working and caring for Ava, she was working on how she could better care for Ava.

Throughout the 10 years I knew her there was one constant thing that just shined about her personality. She never stopped. She never stopped pushing herself. She never stopped setting new goals. She never stopped achieving them. She never stopped loving me, although there are times where we didn’t know if we were going to come out of it. She never stopped loving Ava. She never stopped trying to improve.  When I go on to her pinterest she’s got all of these inspirational “and a lot of them are about improving yourself. When I look at her Amazon wishlist or things she was considering buying there were a lot of Self Help books. She had a few already purchased here. She never stopped.

She always made me feel so safe and made me realize how much anxiety I have in life and that I worry to much. It’s why I just went into the surgery with her a thinking it was no big deal because she was so brave.  But now you’re not here and I don’t feel safe anymore. But I need to learn from your life. I need to not give up. I need to set goals for myself and for Ava, and I need to achieve them. No excuses, just results. I need to keep pushing forward. Living without you will leave a hole in my heart that will never mend. Its fact. I am working so hard to keep your memory alive with Ava But I’ve read the stories and I know the facts. She’s going to lose a lot but I have to keep you alive in her mind…. somehow.

Your Passion for life, your lack of fear, your compassion, Your love ….. Everyone needs to know it and I’m sorry that you all did not get to experience it the way I did up close. Our poor little girl does not have you here anymore and I know that is not something I’m ever going to be able to accept. An hour and a 1/2 before you were taken from us I prayed to Jesus to watch over you…i begged as I went to bed , yet you were taken from us. It’s making it very hard to work through any of this knowing that Ava and I are left here without your love when we need it so much babe. I’m sure everyone is starting to get back into their same routines. Taking each other for granted as we tend to do every day. Arguing over silly shit….whatever. We are human, i get it. I just wish that every day people thought about you Midge and just tried to Add a piece of you into their day.

Everyday I Wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I spend the waking hours trying to allow myself to repair it and be strong throughout the day. We talk about you every day, we look at your pictures , and we even talk about what it felt like to hug you. I go to bed and say prayers for you and for us. The next day I wake up and my heart breaks again as the reality of you not being here sets in all over. I will always love you and I don’t expect many people to understand how I feel because they don’t know what it is I lost. I also carry the pain of knowing what Ava lost. She talks about wanting to go back to New Hampshire and do many of the things that we did as a family but I don’t think she realizes yet how different it’s going to be without you there. I know … But she doesn’t. I will do whatever she wants to help remember you by and provide her happiness regardless of how it makes me feel. I love you and will see you again one day. I am going to go on and try to live my life like you lived yours. That means I have to have less excuses, find ways to be more compassionate, and re shift my priorities in life.I also need to be more brave . I will proudly tell people I am married to the greatest woman I ever met and I will make you proud. We love you so much midge.

So look, I am far from perfect and I do not know if you can ever be healed from something like this. I am not setting a goal for myself of being healed. My goal is to just progress. Move forward. It can be slow, it can be fast at times, but just move forward. Today, I came back from a weekend in New Hampshire with Ava. Something I never thought I’d be able to do. We went to some of the places that were “our” places. If I keep traditions alive with Ava now, then those memories of being there with mom may stay vivid longer for Ava, instead of not going there for years and THEN revisiting the past. Is it easy? No, its not easy. But it’s life and we all know THAT does not come with a rule book.

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