If you made it to this post, you probably already know a little about our story. I could begin by telling you the exact day, or the year, but chronology does not matter in a story like this one, especially when it is still being written. Any writer will tell you that in order to begin a project, there needs to be a inspiration. My inspiration is an obvious one. My wife, my daughter, and a bond the three of us had that can never dissolve. Though they are my inspiration, I cannot say that they are the only reason why I am teaching myself how to go down this path. There are a few reasons Im typing this today. I think a couple easy give aways are that I want to honor my wife and keep her legacy alive. I want to create something for my now 5 year old daughter to read in her later years that will awaken the memories of love she was brought into this world with. Still, there are reasons that I will leave unsaid, for now, because some of these reasons are also part of this story.
A day after my wife Kim passed and the loneliness was already trying to invade the place in my heart that she had made her own, I reached out on my social media page to tell everyone the news. I wanted people to know she had passed. I did not share details, nor will I share those ever in these writings. All that need be known is it was unexpected, untimely, and not something the 3 of us had been ready for. Many of these posts on this site will be based off of, or, retyped from my old social media posts. Those were written in the moment. The emotion was raw. It was what was in my mind at that time. With the exception of some spell checks and grammatical corrections, I give to you my first post that was made after my wife’s passing:
don’t know how to do this, or if this is the right way or not but I need to share and talk. My wife, the best mom ever, Kim, passed away Tuesday night unexpectedly. Those of you who have been here through the last 11 years know our journey and have seen the pics on here. 99.9 percent of the happiness in my world was her and is my daughter. I had to tell my 4 year old girl yesterday that momma died and explain what death is.
I’m broken and don’t think I will ever be the same. I know who I have to be for Ava, but I also know that I can never be Kim. She was the most thoughtful, caring person I know. When I’d show up at a family event with a plant as a gift for the host, that was her idea. When it was someone’s birthday , even my side of the family, SHE was the one to remember a gift or card. When it came to Ava, she was the one researching foods with least colors and crap. I don’t know where and how to begin.
My family and friends have been great and I want to say this now….I need you all. If I don’t ask for help , trust me, I need it. Don’t think I’m doing ok, because I’m not. Don’t think your intruding, you’re not. My world is destroyed. Just today on here this page hits me with a memory… Ava’s first trip to the zoo. All I have are memories with Kim. I don’t know how I go back to that zoo, or back to our home even.
I’m staying w friends for now but have to go home soon. Ava needs it i’m sure. Even with so much love in the last few days. I feel alone. I’m scared. All I ask is don’t forget Kim. Talk about how great she was. She was only 32. Ill never forget how much she loved Ava and I. I’m scared because she carried us. She handled so much. Even our health insurance was thru her and I have to switch to my employer because I know Ava and I need counseling but we need insurance to get it too. My heart will never mend I feel. I don’t know when services are yet. I will share when i do. Please love Kim and if you see Ava, make her feel like the most special girl in the world that she is. We are shattered but thankful for you all.
That was the first time I have read that in nearly two years. So much of it stings the same, but things do evolve. “It” does not go away. “It” changes. Emotions change intensity. You start to combat them with different methods. Not overnight, but as you continue to lose battle after battle against grief, you start to strategize about the war you are now in.