“Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
Yeah, starting off a post on a grief support site with a Star Wars quote is probably a little strange to some but its where my head has been lately. No, not on Star Wars, but on the awareness that so much of our own abilities to achieve a goal really falls back onto our own attitude.
I lost my wife 5 years ago as of this writing. I’ve lost many important people in my life that brought me to my knees but it wasn’t until losing my wife unexpectedly where I truly felt like I could not get up.
- Get up.
“I can’t”.
- Just try
“I can’t”
“I can’t” had become my personal mantra. If you are reading this then there is a good chance you are not a stranger to grief. When we begin grieving, there are so many things we are expected to do that just seem unbearable. For some it may be looking at pictures of the one that passed, or maybe its revisiting a place that carries strong memories. Whatever the challenge in front of you, its easy to be overwhelmed and say “I can’t”. I speak from experience here. After losing my wife Kim, there were so many things people would ask me to do and my immediate reply was “I can’t”. I’d be asked to go out to a fun event but I wasn’t in the mood, so I’d say “I can’t”. My daughter wanted to revisit Santas Village and for 3 years I told her “I can’t”. Anything that felt like it was going to be an emotional challenge for me, I turned away from and said “I can’t. Sound familiar?
If someone was training to run a race or to achieve a physical goal in a gym, they often have a training partner that helps encourage them. Maybe you are training for a long race and the goal was to run for 5 miles, but at mile 4 you feel your legs burning and you want to quit, so you tell your partner, “I can’t go any further”. Well, a good training buddy will tell you “YES you CAN! Don’t give up we are almost there! Keep going! You got this!” Over time, running 5 miles now becomes easier and you set 6 miles as your goal, until that too is easier and you now find yourself one day running 7 miles or even more. Actually, if you think about almost any challenge in your life, we often have people around us who support and encourage us to say “You’ve got this!”. Well, when we are grieving it’s a little different because people recognize our appearance of a fragile emotional state, so our support team is more lenient on us when we say I can’t. Instead of saying, “You CAN, just try”, we often are told, “It’s ok, I understand”. What we should be getting told is “You might not be ready to do this just yet, but you CAN. Maybe not right now, but you absolutely CAN”.
See, the words I CAN’T are the emotional response we produce when we don’t want to face that challenge at that time. Its not that we can’t, but rather, we arent ready to try just yet. Let’s say someone loses a spouse and a friend suggests that they go out to eat at a restaurant that reminds the widow or widower of their spouse. It’d be common for that person to reply with “I can’t. Its too tough to go there. Ill just cry he whole time”. Though much of that statement is true, the words” I can’t” are not true. That person CAN physically go to that restaurant. There is no reason why they can’t, they just do not want to. Now don’t get me wrong, they may rightfully need time before facing that challenge, but deciding not to face it at that time is not because they can’t. It could be they arent ready or they are afraid at how they may respond, but its not that they can’t.
So what does it matter? Isn’t this all just semantics?
No.
See, as long as we believe that we can’t do something, then we won’t ever be able to do it. Allowing our self time to heal and get to an emotional place where we can tackle these hurdles and regain control over our emotions and our lives is fine and I even think it’s a necessity, but to justify our decision to forfeit and give up at ever facing these things by hiding behind two words like “I can’t” is not how we heal. At least not in my experience.
In training for physical endurance, be it running, weight lifting, etc., you build endurance over time by continuing to push past your goals by increasing the resistance and challenge as you meet your goal. You only continue to meet your goal by pushing yourself. If someone could only run 1 mile before cramping and feeling exhausted, it would not be wise to set a goal of running 7 miles on their next run. Instead, one may set a final goal of 7 miles, but they would be wise to set a short-term goal of 2 miles. As they push toward and achieve the 2-mile goal, then increase it to 3 or 4, and gradually over time, stretch it to 7 miles. These are often referred to as S.M.A.R.T. goals, meaning, Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely.
In grieving we also need to set S.M.A.R.T. goals, but the problem is this. Either we need to be aware and set these ourselves, which for most people grieving just isn’t on the radar because our mindset is overwhelmed and this type of clarity just isn’t something on our radar. Maybe we could rely on our support system, but usually they are worried about pushing the grieving person too hard and when they hear those words “I Can’t” they will be apt to say, “Ok, I understand”. So what’s the answer? The answer is we need to all replace I CAN’T with I CAN, I just am not ready to right now. THIS is where we then need to place S.M.A.R.T. goals. Maybe you’re not ready to go back to that favorite family vacation spot because it seems overwhelming to do, but what is something smaller you can set as a short-term goal and you work towards the bigger picture and larger goals that you feel like you can never do again. Remember, you CAN.
Now some of us may be able to set these personal goals for ourselves on our own. Maybe you are good at self-analyzing where you have the most opportunity for growth and you can begin to chart a course to get to where you want to be at. For most of us, we need help. We either can’t even see where we currently are or we can but have no idea how to get to where we want to go. That’s where we need to have great communication with our support systems. Whether you rely on self-analyzation, friends, family, a support group, or therapists, communicating your thoughts, feelings, goals, and fears is vital to your healing. It’s okay to get help in setting your goals. You may find you set your initial goals too high and need to temporarily modify them. You may need to ask for more help. You may have to start over at the beginning at times. All of this is ok, but saying I can’t is not. Make that a nonnegotiable.
“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” In Star Wars, Yoda said these words to Luke when he was training him to become a jedi. Luke was exhausted and felt defeated and said “I can’t”. Yoda knew that he could, but Luke had to believe it himself. He ultimately went on to not only achieve his goal, he saved the galaxy.
You need to begin today by just accepting these two words, “I Can”. If you believe that you can’t, well then I promise you, you won’t.