After she passed, we stayed at our friends’ house. There is a married couple with a little boy, close in age to Ava, that we were close with. From the moment she passed, they were there and brought us to their house, gave us their bed, fed us, and mediated the crowds of people coming by to check in. Had it not been for Ava, I never would’ve wanted to come back “home.” I dreaded the idea of returning here without my wife. Our memories, magnified by all of our “things”. You know, it’s funny how I find myself using quotes on typical words that I normally would use. I type the word HOME or THINGS in quotes, almost to emphasize a certain level of disgust or annoyance by the mere thought of the word. “Things” meant nothing now. “Home” wasn’t home anymore. As many people who suffer a traumatic event can attest to, comparing normal everyday woes now places a level of perspective that most people will not understand. It may come across as over dramatic to you reading this, but it just happens to some of us this way.
4 days after Kim passed, Ava and I came home. Though we were not alone that first, or second night, it felt like we were alone, and probably always will in comparison. Kim filled this place. With her cooking, her shopping, her crafty projects, her ideas for our daughter, this was her home as much as it was mine. Now, I feel like a tenant. This post that I’m sharing was written the first night Ava and I returned:
We came “home” last night. It sucks. I had a house full of friends and kids here, so that made it bearable…barely. A friend of mine stayed over so Ava and I weren’t alone. The guys were here late and we were up late talking which helped aid my sleep situation. But all in all, this sucks. The obvious… this place is like a museum. Just memories everywhere. All of her things… her interests….books…her clothes….its surreal. Yesterday and today I’ve had these waves of calm that I don’t understand. Its hard to explain, but its periods where I don’t cry, or, I feel more peaceful. It immediately turns to guilt.
Ava and I saw a counselor yesterday and before I told the counselor about this, she told me it would happen and its normal. The pain never goes away however. I think I’m just accepting that no matter how happy Ava makes me, my tank will never be full again. Luckily Ava is keeping me going. I’ve been going thru Kim’s things to learn her routines better. Where did she shop, what stores, sites, etc. etc. I took pics of most of the consumables in the house so I know what brands Ava likes. Today I have to do some organizing in the kitchen. I figure start there and the closets down there. Eventually work up to our bedroom. I haven’t, and probably wont ever, take down Kim’s pics.
Yesterday I was working on the digital collage of Kim’s pics for the services. Imagine…you have over 8000 pictures of your last 11 years, and you have to sift through them all. It was too much of an overload for one time. I had tried showing Ava pics the last few days but she wasn’t too interested. Yesterday though, she came over and said… I like this one….oh I wanna see that one. She did this for a long time. I wallowed behind her but she seemed to be happy.
The therapist was so impressed by Ava. She thinks Ava is doing great and that I wont have to worry that Ava retained that night. I’m hoping. I’m trying to do right by her and by Kim. Hoping. There’s a joke, huh? I have so many thoughts and so much I wanna say. Posting here helps. I’m going to start a post called Memories. Id ask anyone w memories of Kim to please comment. Ill do it soon. Id like to compile every so I can share w Ava over the years before they are forgotten. Could be her laugh or a specific event. Just asking everyone to share. Ill create that post in a few minutes.
A couple positives happened this week. Ava’s day care has been without words, life changing. They have done so much for us but one of the things that I know will matter most to Ava was connecting me with some of the other kid’s parents. Kim and I always wished we had relationships with the other children’s parents so that Ava could have play dates with her friends she loved so much but in reality Kim and I sucked at reaching out to people. We would attend birthday parties with all of these great families and not know how to connect, without us feeling awkward. Our child care center owner was able to share what I shared with her to the other families, that Ava was very sad that this was her last year at pre school and she would not see her friends after this because they will be in different schools. Instantly, Some of the families began to reach out and offer help in so many ways that is beyond humbling, but most importantly, they offered to help Ava. That is something I can never repay. So many people are offering to help me, but helping her is so much more important to me.
As I look around this bedroom I still can’t believe this is my life now. Memories. Why isn’t she home? Why? As I typed that the tears came back. So much to do here over the next few weeks…months. Ill have to return to work at some point. Don’t know when yet. My main reason for coming back home was to get Ava back into her routines. That includes school. With the services coming up this week it might not make sense to bring her back before them because now I am just adding another logistical item in here, but maybe it would be good for her to go Thursday and Friday to ease back into it. It looks like we will be seeing a counselor on Sunday mornings. This is good because we can do that and then go to a zoo or some place that can become routine, maybe even do our grocery shopping afterwards, who knows. I’m learning as I go.
It so difficult right now, trying to balance my grief along with my daily obligations to myself and to Ava. I am hoping Kim really is here with me. I am not going to lie and say I have seen signs, or that I feel her, because I still have not gotten there yet, but I feel like I am looking for her more now. I see her stuff everywhere but I need to feel her. It would be great if it was her that was giving me these stretches of calmness, but I’m not going to make up moments that I am not sure of. I feel like when she gives me a sign it’ll be obvious. It kills me that all of her genealogy work is now wasted. I never shared those interests and know nothing about how to do it. I don’t know how the system works but I hope her work benefits other people who use those websites. I love you so much. You are so sweet so kind. Many people knew the real you but too many didn’t. I will teach them. I will keep reminding Ava. There is no pain greater than the one I have right now. Your daughter deserves her mama. You deserve better. The tears are back.
I spent the next many months just overdoing it to be super dad to Ava. I was out of work for 12 weeks, and I used every second to TRY and make life as close to a parallel universe as I could. I shopped at the same markets I used to harass Kim for spending so much money in. I learned how to bake gluten free goldfish by hand. I even was watching videos on how to do different hair styles. No-one was going to help ease my suffering but me, however, I knew I could try my ass off to help ease Ava’s, so that’s what I did. It was all I could do.
If you are are looking for more support, I invite you to come like our Facebook Page. I share videos and updates there as well, and it will allow you to connect with others as well through the comments, facebook live chats, and events. There is also a private, closed group called Rewriting Ourselves, for those looking for a more intimate group, where others who are also trying to stand back up can share stories, suggestions, advice, etc. Message me with any questions, [email protected] .