How could you do this God?
That was all I needed to know. I knew Kim and Ava did not deserve this, so it was OBVIOUSLY an attack at me, to punish me for something I did, but what? What did I do that required such a severe sentence, and one that impacted so many people?
They say there are stages of grief. I say that the grief manuals and textbooks are irrelevant. Everyone is different. The same grief guidelines that will tell you that everyone processes it different also want to tell you about all of the stages and steps, etc. Look, maybe you experience all the stages of grief or you stay stuck in one, that’s your own path. It didn’t take me long to find anger as one of my pitstops. I still get angry about it all, but now I have more perspective.
So in the last 2 years, I have spoken with many others who lost someone after Kim passed, and they often ask me, how do I do it. What makes it easier. That is easy. Nothing makes it easier and I do it because NOT doing it is not an option. I owe it to Kim, Ava, and all of those around me to push on every day. I also owe it to myself.
So as I asked God, WHY, I came upon a different question that also provided answers. Instead of WHY US, maybe I needed to think about WHY NOT us? I mean, tragedy happens minute by minute, day by day. We read about it, hear about it, see it in our lives of friends and family, but yet, it is not until it strikes you personally that you understand just how it will shake your foundation. I recall 9/11, thinking, oh my… this is a tragedy. I remember feeling so remorseful and sympathetic for all impacted. Little did I know just how much of a hell those people were facing. I did not lose anyone in 9/11, so I cant say I understand the pain those people feel, but, I know something more valuable now. I know that I absolutely do NOT know what they are going through, and that wisdom is what now helps me cope and help others cope as well. We have no idea what it is like in someone else’s shoes. Do not even think for 1 second that you do.
So God, how could you do this? You have not answered me. This is when my “quest” for answers started. I remember calling the priest at my church and we set up an appointment to chat. I needed to know Kim was ok. I was told growing up that if you aren’t baptized, you don’t go to Heaven. He reassured me that this is not the black and white case and that he feels that Kim was welcomed by Jesus into Heaven. That relieved me a little bit, but now my faith had already been on the ropes. I asked him questions, like how can the bible say the Earth is 6000 years old when we have data showing its over 65 billion years old? He said that God can control whatever he wants, and that the data could just be another deterrent to test our faith. I asked pointed questions, like how could mankind all come from 2 people, Adam and Eve, without genetic mutations? He said that perhaps our DNA wasn’t flawed back then and this was possible at the time. I left feeling a little better about Kim, but still unsure what I believed.
I then met with a Episcopalian pastor. We spoke for 2 hours, discussing much of the bible. I asked him the same questions, along with things like, Where did this huge Arc go? Why don’t we know who the true authors of the bible are? Why was the bible not written by anyone who was present with Jesus? He admitted he did not believe the old testament too much himself. I left happy I had the opportunity to ask questions, but with no further proof.
I remember thinking after speaking with both the catholic priest and the pastor and comparing notes. Both seemed to take liberties with interpreting their religious views based off of personal interpretations and opinions. Why is it then, if I were to do the same thing, I would be criticized for doing so? This was an important question because I was struggling with a decision I was trying to make……
Should I visit a psychic medium to try and get a message from Kim?
I never put much solace in this area, but I was hurt, I was scared, and desperate for answers. The catholic religion condemns mediums, and I did not want to do anything that could harm my relationship with God, who I was still so angry at.
So I did what anyone would do in today’s time. I Googled. Oh, if I had a screenshot of my Google search history from that time it would be eye opening. I studied religions more than I ever had before. I learned aspects of Christianity and went down paths that had me learning about various cultures as well. I watched documentaries about various religions around the world. How they came to be. What was the historical and factual data that correlates to Christianity, Muslim, Hindu, etc. What I started to see was that though there were obvious differences in the stories of each religion and how they were practiced, the one constant was that they were all based off of LOVE. Love was at the very core of almost each religion I read up on. What was more astonishing to me was how so many religions seemed to share beliefs and stories or events that took place. For instance, did you know that while the old testament speaks about a biblical flood and Noah, the Chinese also have a belief that their land was created by a flood as well, around a similar time ? How about when I learned that the Muslim Qaran did not disregard Jesus as I just assumed it did. No, the Qaran validates Jesus ad a prophet of God but perhaps not the son of God, but still, this religion shares many of the stories we believe from my catholic upbringing.
So many people, all over the world, yet, there were so many similarities here it was raising the hair on my arms. See, the thing about faith is it is just that. Faith means you believe in something though you may not have factual proof to solidify your beliefs. What happened to me was that because I did not have as strong of a faith as I thought I did, when tragedy struck I needed a parachute. I was seeing that, but I was not yet at the point where I could come to terms with it. I still needed answers, or better yet, proof.
I needed answers…..direction… so what do I do next….I’m getting to that.