July 22nd. That was the last time I wrote on here. It is October 7 right now, and in two days it will be Oct 9th. The 2 year anniversary of my wife’s passing. I swear, over the last two years it is almost like time lost all meaning. Years often seem to fly by in our lives when things are going well, but when they aren’t….when time hits us with negative challenges….. time does it’s own thing. In June I had to have surgery. I was petrified. I never had even had stitches before. What scared me more than the surgery, was the idea in my head that if anything happened to me, how could Ava be put through that? When the surgery was over and I was regaining my health, I had to choose to leave my job. For over a year I managed to work 50 plus hours a week and still care for Ava. I didn’t slow down. This time, the work schedule was going to change and it put me in a spot where I had no choice and I had to leave my job in mid July. Thank God I did.

Summer was here and Ava would be starting school in September. I needed this time with her. We went full out just having fun. Zoos, visiting New Hampshire, seeing her friends. We did whatever we could. She learned how to swim AND ride her bike without training wheels that summer. What happened was for the first time, things were happening that were not crafted to distract me from our loss, but instead, to focus me on what we have. 

I dove into this time with her. I stopped writing on my facebook page. I even stopped reaching out to the people in any of the support groups I am in. Over this time I often felt guilty. I felt like, where I’m not working I should have even MORE time to share, writing, volunteering, etc. Yet, I felt like I had less time. True, I was starting up some online ventures to bring in some income, and I was trying to pick up some odd jobs while Ava was in class, but I knew I wasn’t fulfilling what I truly wanted to do. What I knew I needed to do. 

As I approached this week, I feel like time now is going way too fast. Its October 7th and I’m looking at my calendar and seeing all of the appointments and plans we already have over the month. Just finding time to go to a corn maze seems impossible, and before I know it the month will be over. However, I have a feeling time will be slowing down real soon.

Not only is October when Kim passed, but it was our favorite time of year. We loved fall, maybe more than summer. Definitely more than winter! Though I took Ava apple picking and even made my first ever apple pie, I couldn’t help but think back to when we took Ava the first year she was born. Our little bug. Kim was so good with having all of the best essentials and gear for Ava. She found the perfect stroller, and it was a breeze to push through the orchards. Ava was bundled in the cutest fleece outfit. Most of all, the person wearing the best attire was Kim. not because of her clothing, but because of her smile. Anyone that knew her, knew her smile. I am hard pressed to find photos where she was NOT smiling. We loved the fall.

Now Fall is still nice, but it has teeth and has become tougher. The last 2 years Kim was alive, we would go to Santa’s Village with friends. I have not been able to go back since. We…I, loved it. I had never been to Santa’s village and I fell in love with the charm. I miss it but I know to go back will just feel so empty, and there is no way I can fight back those tears. They will win. I know this. 

Fall is about change. Leaves turn color, fall, and trees stay bare for many months, until new life is breathed into them. You can tell where I can take this right now, and turn fall into a metaphor, but let me just talk candidly. As we enter fall, we exit summer. Days at the beach….cookout….warmth…comradery. We enter a time where, though it may not be desolate yet, Fall is kind of like the entry way to winter, where we are often confined home…the chill is biting outside…and we don’t see those we love as often as we need to. As we live through another fall, we live through another awakening that we are all powerless to stop change. It will come, leaves will die, and the cold will set in. 

The thing is that the point of life is not to become aware of that and dwell on it. It can’t be. I am so happy that I invested all of me in the summer, because that will be the fuel to warm those cold nights that are coming. What I will be sure to do though, is not stop appreciating what I have, and make use of every day, even the cold, gloomy ones. Oh, I know I will have my days of depression and break down, but what I need to do…what we all need to do in life when we “fall” is get back up. Just like those leaves regrow, a vibrant and lush green in the spring, we cannot stay down, turning from green, to red, to brown, to nothing. 

Writing is such a wonderful way for me to share my thoughts, as well as leave a legacy for Ava to read years from now. I always took joy in it and still do. Today, I just want to thank anyone who is taking the time to read this today. I also pray that should you fall, whenever that is, that you know even though you could not stop the leaves from falling, you can control what happens next.

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