Let’s address something that I am going to address A LOT as I do these posts, here, and on our Facebook page. If you’re grieving and you have a day out of nowhere that you feel, “good”, do not beat yourself up over it. Its natural to feel horrible that you caught yourself laughing at a friend’s joke, or singing to the radio, when you feel like all you should be doing is crying for the rest of your life, but stop. I promise you; this is temporary. Give your mind and body this temporary reprieve to say, “This sucks, I know, but we need to regroup”. If you think the tears have stopped 10 days later and it’s like some televangelist has said, “Stand up and walk, YOUR HEALED!”, well, you’re a silly little fella aren’t ya?

I despise all of the grief clichés, so in the spirit of hypocrisy, lets use one and repeat after me, “Grief comes in waves.” I hate that I just did that. Its true though. Look, there are moments when you feel like you can’t breathe because you’re drowning in tears and then you might feel like you can’t breathe because you’ve been laughing so hard. If this hasn’t happened to you, just store this in your mind somewhere so that when it does, you know that it’s OK.

This next post was about day 10. As I get a few weeks in, Ill spread these out more and not post EVERY post I wrote over 2 years, but I think its important to try and really get inside my head the best you can at the beginning so that you can understand the shifts the have happened to get here today. Here’s something from back then:   

“Yesterday I woke up feeling guilty because I didn’t wake up upset and I slept thru the night. I felt that if I wasn’t feeling how I normally feel this last week I was doing something wrong.

Today makes up for it.

Ava had a hard night sleeping. I had to lay in her bed and then she ended up in mine. In addition, I woke up and looked for Kim as if she was here in bed for a second. My minds racing today and I haven’t even hit the shower. All I think about are the things we were all robbed of. Kim would be starting her new job in a week…. shed be taking Ava for her haircut tomorrow. She would be putting finishing touches on the Halloween costume. She’d be grocery shopping tomorrow. Instead, it’s me serving as a cheap imitation for Ava. What little girl should go without her momma? No one sacrificed more than Kim and Ava comes in second if we are keeping score. I know everyone’s trying to understand and wants to help but we all are in agreement that no one else knows this feeling.

It hurts man, it hurts.

All I can do is worry about Ava’s future and grieve what Kim lost. This bares me to ask, ” Once I start to feel what I lost, how much worse can this feel?” I am so wrapped up in my grief for them I haven’t begun to work on what I lost. It’s even hard to remember you all lost something as well in Kim. I know I’m not the only one feeling bad, but I don’t know if anyone feels worst. It’s not a competition because if it was, I wouldn’t want to win.

I hate having to go back to work in a week because things will be real. Now any errand or chore that has to get done will be taking time away from Ava and I that I need to spend w her to make her feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, reality is hitting fast. I’m hoping our sessions help begin the process. I know I can’t do this alone so I’m getting the help I need for us.

One day at a time. This is day 10 of a life sentence. This weekend is all about Ava. We have a good weekend planned so that should provoke many emotions in me but hopefully happy ones for her. That’s what has to matter most.”

The pic up above is of Ava’s first big kid haircut.

Wasn’t my first, or last, time crying.