One word that most of us onsess over when grieving is “WHY”. Why them? Why did this happen to us? Why now? The “why’ is that elusive one word question that we truly believe, if it could only be answered, we could start to feel better.
Realistically though, most of us will never get that answer in this lifetime.
For many, it is not until we stop trying to get the answer to “WHY”, that our healing begins. I remember at the beginning of this journey, I would ask others who had been grieving a lot longer than I had this question, “When does it stop hurting?”. Now if you are new to grief, I will answer that with a non answer, because as you probably already figured out, grief does not have a expiration date. There is no one formula for it to stop hurting. Many will tell you it never totally STOPS hurting, but you learn how to manage and control the pain grief tries to impart on your life. When I started the grief support group here in town, I did not start in because I felt like I had any answers, because I dont. Sure, I share what worked for me, but it doesnt mean it will work for all. My answer for myself may just be another riddle for someone else. I started this group not because I have answers, but because I know that many grieving have questions.
“Why? “
As you read these posts or watch my videos, maybe you will come across something that resonates with you and you take away that helps you heal. If so, Im humbled and grateful. However, the one thing that I do know helps almost everyone get through almost anything is time. In time, we adapt. You do not typically go back to exactly who you were “pre-grief”, but you evolve and grow. You move forward while finding ways to bring who ever you are grieving with you. With time, perspective is gained and you move past the “Why did this happen?” and onto the “How can I move forward and make my loved one, and myself, proud?”.
I truly believe that the answers we seek to dig our way out of grief are already in us, They are tools we used in our lives in the past to overcome dark and tough times before the one you are facing now. In fact, you may be able to find examples of how some of the toughest days you had in your life are times that you now would not trade for anything.
Think back to some of the times in your life that were tough, but try to go back 5 years or more. You could also do the opposite and take some of the happiest things in your life you have today and play your life back in your mind. In either case, you can often find a crossroad where had it not been for some of the biggest disappointments in your life, you would not have been led down other paths that brought you to something else that you cherish. Now I am not saying by ANY means that the passing of a loved one will lead to bigger and better things. What I am saying is that in time, you will start to see how there were branches of light that began to grow out into this world after grief planted its seeds on the day you lost your loved one.
4 years ago this month my wife passed and I knew I would never be the same again, and I am not the same. I am not the same because her passing forced me to reflect on our life, on who I am, and who what could I do to honor her and instill some of who she was inside of myself. I would give anything in this world for my wife to be back with us today. Anything. The thing is I know that is not an option. You dont get that choice. So its not about making wishes, its about moving forward in a way that honors her, keps her memoty alive in this world, and results in me being one of those branches of light that got planted 4 years ago.
We all have had downs in our life that helped lead to the highest of highs. Think about your first ever break up you had where you were in love. Wow. I remember many times, having a relationship end and feeling like the world was over. Maybe you had to move homes or to a new job and had to leave one you loved, only to find that you made the best friend at the new location. Alot of things we have in our lives are things we wouldnt have if everything in our lives always went the way we wanted it to. Thats just the truth. I think about when my daughter was in Disneyworld and she saw a stuffed animal she really wanted on day 1. I told her we would get it another day. For the next 5 days we could not find that animal so she would find something else instead she was willing to settle for. I would say, No, wait a little longer, maybe we will find the other one you really want. This went on for 5 days. Each day she was more disappointed, convinced she was leaving Disneyworld not just without the one she truly wanted, but also without ANY stuffed animal. On the last day we were checking stores to look for the space cat she really wanted. There were only 2 stores left and she had found a different lion from a movie I knew she didnt really love. I told her, ok, if you wanna get that one we can, but, there is one more store so its up to you. She made the toughest decision of her life and put that one back and we went to the last store. As we entered, there it was, on a big display, the space cat we spent 5 days trying to find. I have repeated that story to her so many times in the last 2 years because it showed her that sometimes patience will bring you things better than what you supplied yourself.
She didnt see it the 5 days prior. She only saw disappointment. Luckilly, she was able to see the fruits of her labor in 5 days. Sometimes, it takes a lot longer. Here is a true story I havnt shared with many until now.
In 2005, I accepted a promotion at a national retailer I had worked for, for about 12 years. This required me to move away to a state where I only knew 4 or 5 people. I was single and had no family up there. This job paid EXTREMELY well. My salary doubled in a week. I bought a nice new expensive SUV to go along with my new apartment and relocated. A few months in, my supervisor and I began butting heads. I wont get into it all but lets just say we each had different ethics and philosphies on how to reat people. Anyway, one day I was about to have a meeting with all of my management team. We also had another manager in my store that day who didnt work for me. She head I was about to have a management meeting and asked if she could sit in.I said sure. Right before the meeting started, I received a personal phone call. I answered the office phone as everyone piled in for the meeting (about 6 of us). The phone call was my new car insurance company I had signed up with earlier that day. They were calling to tell me that the guy who insured my car messed up and my price on my policy was going to be more than double the initial quote. As we went back and forth I got pretty upset and slammed the receiver down on the phone after swearing at the person I was speaking with. (P.S. I had just turned 30 and not as mature as I would like to think I was). We went about with the meeting and all was well, so I thought. Well, the manager that had asked to join the meeting felt offended by the choice of words I used and reported this to someone, who told someone, until it ended up making its way to my boss. He saw his chance and within 7 days I had been fired for creating a hostile work environment. After 12 years with this company I was now unemployed for the first time since I was 14 years old. How was I going to pay my rent? My car payment? I was never so scared and upset in my life until this point.
Well, within 3 weeks I had a new job as a store manager in another retailer. My salary was far less than it was, but my work/life balance was far better. I was happy again. This new job however had an opening come up in a town back in my home state near my old home town. I apllied for a transfer and got it. Now when I moved, I had taken my 401K from my job I had been fired from and used it to pay off my car and place a down payment on my first home, the one I still live in today! I moved back to my home city I grew up in and transferred down here to begin my new career.
One day while I was working, I assessed that we needed to hire another cashier. I sorted through applications and came across one I found interesting. I interviewed this candidate and hired her that week. This was in 2009.
5 years later we were married and celebrating the arrival of our daughter into this world. It took almost a decade to see that losing that job… that horrible time in my life… would lead me to my wife and daughter. Though my wife has passed away and I miss her every single day, I wouldnt go back and change any of that.
The reason I just typed out this novel, and hopefully you read it, is to point out and remind you, sometimes, it takes a lot of time before you can look back at all of the forks in your road of life and appreciate those that sometimes led you down a road filled with potholes in order to get you to where you need to be. Please, understand, there are two things Im addressing here. Im not in any way saying that when we lose someone there is a silver lining. No. I am saying that when we lose someone, there is one thing that is a definite fact. It sucks. It hurts, and it sucks. The part I am trying to illuminate is that just because we cannot change that and bring that person back does not mean we now have to live in the dark for the rest of your life. Nope. The point here is that if you give it time and you look around, you will see how there are branches of light that were planted when they passed. Im just saying that its up to us to decide if we are going to water them or let them die.