Over the last few years, many people have been witness to the hell I have fought through to get to this point, where I can not only talk about it, but do so openly to whoever stops at this page. During that time, I often was told to share my thoughts with others because I could possibly help someone who is also grieving. I didn’t get how I could do that. That thought was the genesis for this site. My idea was simple. Go back to my first journal entry and after a minor once over, post it here and open myself up for comments, support, criticism, whichever it may be.

So in each post here, you get my current day’s awareness of what I was thinking back when I made that entry. Kim passed on October 2019 and as of this post, we are still sitting somewhere around October 28. I wrote hundreds of blog posts in the last few years so I’m condensing down to ones that I feel are pertinent to what I’m trying to convey.

As I re read these old thoughts, its not easy. The raw intensity of how I felt at that moment… the unknown. I had so many fears. Doubts. Today, I still have fears and doubts, but not the same ones or of the same intensity. I’ve come to accept that as humans, we are not in any control. I mean, the post I reference here today was written in October 2019 before the pandemic. If I was still under the guise that I had any control on this world, the pandemic would remind us how fragile we really all are.

Something struck me today, as I prepped for this post. I read some of my entries of Oct 2019 and I realized, I subconsciously put up a defense system on my own grieving. What I mean is, though I cried daily and was visibly destroyed, when I wrote, I focused on what Ava or Kim lost, not so much on my own loss. My best friend. My only true security on this planet. I was now so vulnerable and I tried to shield myself from that idea. In the end, it only prolonged the inevitable. I would have to face that I lost as much, maybe more than anyone except Ava. Here is me starting to think about our vacant future, and even though I was the one still here and she wasn’t, my pain was for what she was missing, not so much my own, not yet anyway:

“Todays Facebook memory is from 2010. I was looking at it…. about 60 pics of me in NYC.I was confused because there’s no-one else in any of the pics….just me. Then it hit me. Kim and I were dating but we worked together at Staples. I was her supervisor so we had to be secret as this was considered fraternizing.. We had gone to see the musical, Wicked, which she had really wanted to do. Years later she took me to see Spiderman, because I wanted to see it so bad. She surprised me with tickets. We had a great time. I do have pics of us together there on my computer, I just wasn’t able to post on FB in 2010.

Its 2019 now and she wont be in any new pics. It sucks but its true. Please don’t say she is in my heart etc. etc. I know all this. And you know its not the same. She had such fun on our little adventures. We did so much together. Man I really hate that its just Ava and I now. Gonna never feel right, I know that. She would see something and have such joy or amazement…. “Robert look…a bluebird!” “Oooohh look, soy free candy”. Something would always make her smile.

Yesterday Ava had a little breakdown at school to be expected. She didn’t nap and said its cuz she missed momma. The teachers were awesome. They sat and talked about momma and even cried together. She needs to talk about momma and she needs to know its ok to cry. She needs to accept these things because as much as this affects me, it affects her as well. Her momma. Kills me hearing her sweet voice say those words.

I’m working on some picture projects that I wanna get done by Monday for her. We will see. Todays Kim’s remembrance mass. After that we have a fun day for Ava. Hoping her cold is gone though…. really don’t need that on top of all else. At least we each have our flu shots! If you don’t, do it. CVS and doesn’t hurt!” 

I was out of work, as I would be for the next few months, so I had a lot of time to reflect, go through photos, etc. Over the last few years, I did a lot to keep Kim alive in Ava’s mind. I will make a list of ideas, but one thing I immediately did was flood the house with pics. I made a picture board in Ava’s room, we drew pics of mom, you name it. As long as people think and talk about the person who passed, they are still making an impact and alive here on this world. Don’t believe me? Ok, 2 people… one is physically living on this world and has no friends, alienates everyone around them, and does not give anything of themselves. Lives a quiet, hollow existence. The other person strives to achieve their goals while helping others achieve theirs, positively touching those around them? That person passes away, but is still spoken of and their legacy is witnessed daily by what they left behind. Who is truly “alive”? Yes, the first person now can go out, change, and leave behind a life to be remembered for, but the second person did not need the threat of death to be motivated. They had the joy of life motivating them instead.

So many things trigger your emotions when you are grieving. People would think its big things like the holidays or specific events like a birthday. No, what really hurts are the small, meaningless things. You have 364 days to prepare for what Christmas is going to feel like. You do not get a warning about how your gonna get knocked down with grief when you see a car on the road that was the same make, model, and color as the first car she had when you started dating. Its the daily things you take for granted that ultimately grow up to be big and strong. That was a lesson I was learning fast. Take a read at this post from Oct 29. I was prepping for the first holiday we would be facing without her, Halloween. this was always one of our favorites. We loved the fall.

“Im sitting at the cemetery and just feeling every emotion, but right now, angers the front runner.

I went into Target this morning. Everywhere I look I see thanksgiving stuff. Shirts with “Thankful” and “Blessed” or “Family” written on it. I go into the greeting card section and See all of the cards about anniversary or to my wife. Even the cards for baby showers made me think back to a time in my life that was full of happiness and hopes for the future.

I know it’s impossible for me to ever get over losing her. She only had 32 years on this planet. I know tragedy is everywhere and here at the cemetery, I see some people that had less than that . On the side of my grandparents is a little girls grave…3 years old. I know I’m not the only person suffering and I know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I truly can’t explain the pain when you lose somebody like Kim who was also such an astonishing mother. Some of you know her mother was nowhere near what a mom should be, yet, Kim vowed to break that cycle, and baby, you did. I am so proud of how you raised our little girl. You are my hero and you always will be.

It hasn’t even been a month yet….feels like a lifetime. The next 2 months….gonna be tough, But people who have not gone through this keep warning me about the holidays. I think what those same people just don’t realize is this…. Yeah holidays will suck of course, but the pain of losing you hits me all throughout the day every day. When I drive to pick Ava up from day care and I picture your car parked at the playground… When I stand in our kitchen and picture you loading the instapot…. When I drive by CVS and picture you using one of your coupons…. when I look at my phone and see I have an unread text, but its not you.

I cry so much that I am familiar with the taste it leaves in my mouth and throat. There is nothing I would not do to bring you back to be with your little girl. I am Working hard at keeping your memory fresh with her but I also know I Need to balance and to happy things also which I am trying to do Midge I really am…. its just tough.

Family and our friends are still coming by a lot and I am hoping this continues and I can form stronger relationships with people who have been in our lives, for me and for Ava. Ava had her 1st play date with people from school. I know you’d be so happy and proud of me for making that a priority for her. We are surrounded by love which makes me wonder how people who don’t have this type of support get through it. Maybe Down the road I can help start up a group to help people in the same situation. I know I need to take this horrible time and turn it into something amazing for Ava. I need to make your legacy my priority with her. You are going to live on Babe I promise. You’re work on this planet is not done. Your genealogy work is being advanced by the amazing people you met at the society … Your friends and family are keeping your memory alive… And your daughter is being raised in your image.

Gonna make you proud Midge I promise. Over the last few weeks I have done major soul searching and I know you Are in heaven. I know what you believed and that along with how you live your life convinces me you have to be there. We all love you babe. God give me strength to be who I need to be now”

I truly forgot that I had the thought of a support group back then. For those who know someone, remember we have a private group called “REWRITING OURSELVES” over on Facebook. I’m still working on adding a few people before we start up. I knew I needed to keep Kim’s name out there, which I continue to do is many ways. The colors of this site, green, is Kim’s favorite color. I am always trying to keep her spirit here, connected, not just to me, but to everyone who knew her and for those just getting to know her. This story is not just my story, or for that matter, it’s not just about my family. You are now part of it. Stick around because it is just getting started.

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