As I write this post, Mother’s Day is tomorrow. In this house that is a conflicting day. Thankfully, my mom is still here on this earth and I can appreciate that and be thankful, but Ava’s mom is not here. My wife is not here. So to say I could feel conflicted about this day is a understatement.

Over the last year and a half, the word HOLIDAY has at times felt more like a “HELL I DAY”. They are not always easy to get through, especially at the beginning when my grief had 24/7 control on my mind, which in turn affected my body. Wait, let’s pause. I want to make clear, I have not figured it all out. I’m not sitting here, sipping a latte with some sage burning and a sandalwood candle glowing as I type out the answers to the secrets of the universe. Not by a long shot. I already have so many distractions and things planned for us tomorrow that I wont have TIME to think. The thing is though, I have figured a way to make these milestones and events more bearable and enjoyable for Ava and I. This post may not relate to you, or you may say, easier said than done, but I will share it like I do my other ideas and let you make your own call.

I remember not long after my wife’s passing, which was in October, people started bringing up how hard those first holidays would be. Oh man, did I want to shake people. Why the hell was 1 day going to be harder than another I thought? It’s just another day and Ill be in pain the day before Thanksgiving and the day after. The first holiday I faced was Halloween. This and Christmas were our favorite holidays. We loved the fall. What is worse was Kim made Avas costume by hand every year. This years was Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. I remember putting it on Ava and getting teary eyed. However, I also remember feeling like Kim was still with us in some way because Ava was wearing this that she made. We got through it and I felt stronger. Not because I got through it, because I knew I would do that, but because I did not let the holiday take special hold of me.

In reality, we started celebrating holidays when we were 1 year old right? As we grew, we loved these days and they had meanings that may have changed since our youth, but we loved them before the person we lost was gone, yet after they pass, we associate that day with such a visceral connection with that person that we dread the day approaching. In some cases it my be tougher to accept this but this is the truth.

Look at our Halloween. I loved it as a kid, as a teen, and as a 21 year old, I looked forward to going to Universal Studios in Florida every October to celebrate at the Horror Nights they have there. However, once I met Kim, Halloween  became different. I got to take her to Universal when she had never been and we loved it. Now though, we did things I never did. We picked pumpkins. She made home made pie. We MADE costumes instead of buying them. And then when Ava came, I mean, it took on a new life. So the holiday wasn’t what I dreaded. It was the memories that I know we cant relive anymore that I dread. Well, here is a news update that just came in. That is VEERY DAY OF MY LIFE. When I go to bed tonight, I cant get frustrated at how long she is taking in the bathroom so I can get in there and brush. I cant remind her to set her alarm. I cant kiss her good night. I cant kiss her good morning tomorrow. This is every day of the year. In fact, holidays are, or at least SHOULD BE, easier. They come up one time a year, but those Friday pizza and movie nights happen 52 times a year.

If there is something we have seen in society in the last few years is that words have power. From Dr Seuss to Football team names, we have seen how words have power. George Carlin infamously talked about the stigma we place on “bad words”. Those grieving are conditioned throughout life and unintentionally by their support system, that they need to grieve harder on a holiday. This does not have to be the case if you say today, I will not allow that to happen. For me, I refuse to “honor or celebrate” the day of her passing as her “ANGEL BIRTHDAY”. No, I refuse to. I will honor her every day. Not just her birthday, not just our anniversary. Every day. When we pass, we continue to live on in the minds of those we leave here. As long as they talk about us, remember us, even feel emotion when thinking of us, we live on. Kim still makes me smile, makes me feel loved, and often, makes me cry. Man, do I cry. The thing is, that is not ALL I do, and I don’t just do it on specific days where it is required to do so. You do not have to either.

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