What did you do for Father’s Day?

I had my gall bladder taken out. Yeah, top that! Well I actually had it taken out 6 days earlier and was still recovering on Fathers Day. I’ve thought about how I want to write about that because there is just so much I can say. I wont get into the actual procedure. What I want to talk about is the anxiety that gripped me ever since I made the appointment for the surgery. I’ll say this. When I wrote my post about holidays here, I had no idea how much worse they could get!

Back in 2017, I was told by my doctor I needed my gall bladder removed. I decided to wait it out, after he told me it  wont just get better, and I would be at risk for an emergency procedure one day. Still, I told Kim at the time I was gonna pass on surgery. I never even had a stitch before in my life, let alone surgery, and I didn’t want to do that where Ava was 2 years old. 

Well here we are in 2021 and my gall bladder was worse. It needed to go so I agreed to a surgery. I did, but not until I researched the hell out of all of the doctors across the state that specialized in this. I researched their hospitals. Next, I researched the procedure. I knew so much about it I think I could’ve done it myself! I was relentless.

No, what I really did was be a little unrealistic, because AGAIN I thought I was in control. If I made the right decisions, got the right doctor and hospital then everything will be ok. Fact is, that many of us know, is that we are not guaranteed anything a minute from now. I felt secure with my prep for the surgery, but in reality, all I was doing was making myself THINK I was in control. None of us are. But hey, it felt good. Actually, wait, no, it didn’t. It felt horrible. I was scared as hell. Not for my own welfare, but for Ava’s. If something went wrong, if I had severe complications, what would happen? She only has 1 parent and she is six. I had to be ok.

The anxiety of it all griped me so bad that from the day I made the appointment to the day of the surgery, I had this gnawing, empty hollow feeling in my stomach. It was so pronounced that I informed the surgeon because I was sure he would want to cancel the procedure because of it. As I googled the hell out of what could be causing it (mind you I never gave the gall bladder credit for this one), I kept seeing one of the causes was STRESS/ANXIETY. Me? Stressed? Pffft.

So the surgery is done and Im home recovering. Where I still have a long way to go for recovery though is the anxiety and stress of not being in control. I had a pretty good handle and awareness of that fact up until I got the results from my ultrasound a few months back saying I needed a gall bladder removal, but once the risk of having Ava lose me came into play, the reset switch popped up and there I went. Trying to be in control. “If I just do X,Y,Z then everything will be fine.” No. No no no. There is no guarantee of that, just hope.

So gee, you must be reading this post like, why the hell are you taking us down so much? Where is the morale of the story here? Here it is. Everyone of us knows that we need to appreciate today, because we are not promised tomorrow. We all know we cant secure our place in this world if God has other plans. Yet, it is one of the most factual premises to live by, too many of us walk around forgetting the truth behind that. As I heal from my surgery, I plan on taking time to meditate heavily and reflect on my last 2 years. Reading many of my old posts and reviewing old pics is reminding me of this journey I am on, that we are all on really. Life. Not Death. Life. The 2 weeks prior to the surgery, I spent a lot of time with Ava, but I was not focused on us. I was focused on my phone, googling doctors, surgeons, gall bladder surgery, etc. I was obsessed over controlling the outcome, when all I could do was try my best at giving me the best odds. Victory is not guaranteed for any of us, but I doubt I will ever truly stop trying to some degree, to be in charge of the outcome, and I am sure I will be reminded many more times in my life that this just is not how the game is played. 

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