I hope you are still reading along. I will not lie and say there is a happy ending, but I can tell you that if I can be here, now, typing this….reading these posts from a few years ago and discussing them, you can make it too. I think its important that as you read these posts, really read into how my words from my original posts were written. The emotions and fears that are in anyone going through loss were alive and screaming inside of me. Yet, a few years later I am here, trying to help at least one person learn that you can cope with this. Im still here trying to teach my daughter that the world does not suck, it’s only what we make of it. If I can do it, you can too.
If you read my last post, “From Wow to How“, then you know I was struggling with the religion concept. I was also trying to regain my sense of self and being in the driver’s seat of our lives again, even though we truly never are in full control. As I re-read this post to enter it here, it brought me back to 8 days after Kim passed. We had just had her funeral and I called my supervisor that night, asking him for the following week off. He told me that bereavement policy is only 3 days, which lead to me taking a medical leave and I will just say I ended up being out far longer than that. The same employer was also telling me I couldn’t enroll in benefits, when I knew I was allowed because we had just had a major life event. This post is how I know I’ve grown, because a year ago, I would’ve told you all right here who that employer is, but it is not important. I feel that people can be quick to take anything wrong that happens to them and turn it into their own personal crusade. “They forgot to give me my fries, I’m starting a protest in their parking lot, I’m calling the news, etc etc”. If there is one thing I can tell you that changed in me through all this that you should prepare for is a change in perspective. I’m not promising you that you will be a different person, but you will definitely see some things in a different manner.
Let me share what I wrote 8 days later…..
“I cant believe what life was like 2 weeks ago. I know ill never get answers. It’ll never make sense or feel like I’m at peace. I know I’m now eternally a changed person, but I have to work to be a better dad each day vs the last.
I slept home alone last night. I haven’t gone to bed with the tv on sleep timer in years since before Ava was born. Now I don’t think I can sleep with the quietness. There are a lot of hurdles to tackle. I’m working out the issue w switching our medical coverage. Kim had such great coverage and what I’m getting now sucks and is more expensive. Ava’s doctors are out of state, so I need private insurance. She likes her doctor so I don’t want to switch anything else on her.
Work hassled me about taking next week off. I couldn’t have been more disappointed in them. They said I could go on unpaid leave which I cant afford. Last night they okayed me being out till the 28th which is good. I need the time but need the paycheck more so woulda sucked otherwise.
I made it my first night without anyone sleeping over . Wasn’t too bad because I had a lot of stuff I was working on, including 4 miller lites which aided in the sleep dept. I keep adding to my memories post on here. Eventually ill print it but I’m far from done. I woke up not feeling as miserable as I had. I think yesterday was a little healing in some way. I’m not saying I’m better and ok. Obviously I’m not. I just felt different. Reality is setting in fast. Its scary emotionally, financially, and I’m hoping I just don’t mess up. I know I will at times. I warned Ava a few times that dads mess up too and she will have to teach me. Kim knew it all and had the routines on auto pilot. God bless her. I’m praying she is ok and still watching us, here w us. I’m still waiting for those signs. Today I’m home w Ava as she rests. It was a rough week for both of us. I know I’m run down so not surprised she has a cold now. We have to get our flu shots next week. I wanted to go to the cemetery today but w Ava sick and this weather may be best to wait for tomorrow. Thank you to everyone for all the help. Emotionally, financially, with words and with actions…. so many people that have shown Kim Ava and I genuine love. You are making a difference in our lives. More so than you know. Thank you so much. Don’t hesitate to call, text, message… its ALWAYS appreciated”