If you cant take the heat

It’s crazy sometimes when I see the synchronicity with what is happening in my life right now with posts I wrote a year ago or so. Lately I have been feeling this urge to post a lot of pics of Kim and her life to my friends. I wrote a blog post a few weeks back called “Hi I’m Kim”. Ever since she passed I made a vow that I will never let people forget her or stop saying her name. Lately that sentiment has been in full effect.

Another thing I am trying to refocus back to is appreciating what I have, not living in what I lost. That is a minute by minute battle. Not having Kim here when I went through my first ever surgery, which resulted in me losing an ORGAN, made me dwell on her not being here. I would’ve felt invincible with her. That’s what she made me feel like. Now I have to actually BE invincible, or, the best version of it that I can decipher.

Sometimes when I write these posts, I post snippets of old social media posts I made back after she passed. Today though I want to share the whole post. It is long, but the timing of this post and how I am feeling lately go hand in hand. I wrote this in November 2019, but it is almost as if I wrote it for myself today. I ask you, the readers, to send me writings you would like posted on the reflections page but I have not gotten any, which is fine of course. But if you are not writing for yourself and you are struggling with a part of your life, you should try it. There is something therapeutic about writing, even if no one else reads it. There have even been world renowned doctors, like Dr John Sarno, who had proven success treating peoples ailments that he believed were psycho sematic. One of his approaches to helping someone’s backpain dissipate after years of failed treatments and medicine? Writing. Here is what I wrote, November, 2019:

“Kim was the master in the kitchen. Once Ava was born Kim took over in there. She always was the main food preparer, but after Ava… she kicked it into overdrive. It was very rare that I would come home and she would not be in the kitchen doing something. I remember how I would go up to the porch stairs and start getting my keys out to unlock the door in right as I was unlocking the last the lock she would come over and let me in. Timing. She was always in that kitchen.

That’s been the theme of my last 3 or 4 days. I think it’s finally starting to hit me with what I lost personally. I have been in tremendous grief thinking about how her life was cut short and how the bond between her and Ava was severed so harshly. I wasn’t really dwelling on many of the moments where it was just her and me. The last 4 days or so all I can do is see her everywhere. Everywhere I look I remember seeing her there and then I think about reality where she will never be there again. I do that with every place I go, everywhere I look, every memory I have… It all plays out to the moment where I realize I will never see her there again.

She would be in the kitchen preparing meals and listening to her audio books. Speaking of prepared meals she still has so many frozen ones in the freezer that she had prepped. I know I should keep them but now I just look at them in the idea of eating them means having to get rid of them and I hold on to them because it’s something she made with her hands. No, I mean her heart.

I have received a lot of feedback about my posts on here. I’ve heard some very positive things saying that my posts help other people. I can see that on a few of them but I don’t know if this one will be 1 of those. I guess it depends on the person reading it. See, if you knew me prior to this, I mean KNEW me… You would know that I usually kept on a suit of armor and would not show my vulnerabilities. I think we all have a suit of armor somewhere In our wardrobe. You know what I mean. That thing we wear to protect us from all of the opinions or criticism. It protects us from being hurt again or taken advantage of. Some people wear it all the time and some people rarely put it on. I usually wore it out of the house. In public I would appear strong, confident, and secure with how I was living my life. At home with Kim, she saw me without that suit on. She was my strength in so many different ways. I think what these posts do is show people that it is OK to take that suit off. It’s OK to get hurt. Its even ok to be vulnerable. I posted the other day about living each day like a routine. Sure when we were going away somewhere or doing something is a family there was a lot of joy and positive emotion. But they were many days that were just plain vanilla where we kind of just did our routine. Everyday lately Has required me to taste every second of the day. I feel each moment in ways I’ve never felt before. Things that brought joy bring pain, Things that used to cause me to obsess over no longer matter. Posting all of this here just kind of shows everyone, Shit can be good at times and shit can be bad.

I promised myself that I was not going to let her memory fade. I mean that. These posts are going to get old and mundane for some people. The good news is this…. These posts are not for them. Its for myself and anyone else who is not done remembering you. Its for those that are not ready to stop seeing her in the background.

In 32 years she accomplished so much. 32. Ill spend each year going forward imagining…. what would she have tackled THIS year? 2020 is the anniversary of the Mayflower. Kim and Ava are Mayflower decedents! Oh I am sure she would have them both dressed up in some type of authentic Classy garb and be up there in Plymouth celebrating . So guess where I will be the summer? I was thinking about it today. Her Mayflower ancestor is Francis Cooke. I wonder if she actually got to meet Francis and all her other ancestors now? I wonder if they have been watching her all along? I know she is still here, watching us, perhaps still in the background. Ironically she has never been more front and center in my life than she is. I know that’s never going to change. I know some people move on or move forward however you want to describe it. Wherever I move on to or forward to, I will be bringing her with me I can guarantee you that. By posting here I am helping myself during those times like I’m having right now with the loneliness kicks in and you have no one to roll over in bed and talk to or to just hug after having A day like I had today. I hug Ava all the time but she does not know the depth of what I am feeling all the time. Our hugs are different. Posting here allows me to remember her in ways I cannot do always in private. Im honored to continue to tell her story.”

← Prev: Happy Father's Day, STAT! Next: Traditionally different →