I had never even had stitches in my life, let alone surgery, but in 2017, my doctor told me I should have my gall bladder removed. Ava was almost 3 and we had a lot going on. Of course, those were excuses. I was scared. I found a specialist who went along with me that maybe I should wait and see. So I waited.

And this year in 2021, I had some bad pain overnight and all I thought is, “What if I need emergency gall bladder surgery one day and I’m alone with Ava at 2am?” So I made arrangements and long story short, I am now rid of that gall bladder. But, it wasn’t so easy.

After Kim passed and I took a peek down the hall at this dark, uncertain future I was going to face, I remember thinking, “What if I get sick now, who will care for Ava?” I was also thinking, “Who will care for me?” In a solid marriage, a spouse isn’t just love, they are your everything. They are who you can open up to and be yourself around. The love is almost (stressing ALMOST) unconditional. Kim though, she took it to a new level with me, because I am an anxious person. I hate flying, but when we were flying back from Disneyworld and had to fly OVER Hurricane Sandy, she held my hand the whole way and her bravery made me think we could do anything and be just fine.

I needed her there for that surgery. To say I cried a lot before the surgery and a little bit after because she was not here to help me feel safe is an understatement. One thing on my list of blessings are my friends and family. Ok that’s two things, I know. I have great friends who allowed us to stay with them while I recouped, which was not only great for me, but it made Ava feel safe too.

There is so much to take in when we lose someone. The loss is insurmountable. You can’t possible tally every aspect of what you lost or have yet to lose. Something that hits me almost daily though, is the insecurity I now face, on almost everything. Am I making the right choices for us? Did I make a good enough meal for Ava? Did I pick the right school? Should we get a new pet? Etc etc. Being 1 person in a two person role is not easy, and if your like me, it scares the hell out of you. Failing is NOT an option, so I have an expectation I set on myself, as I’m sure you do too. Its not just about me though, it also is about protecting Ava. I get so scared when she is sick. If it was not for Kim we would have been at the ER quite often with Ava when all she had was a cold. After Kim passed, Ava got sick one day while we were out. I remember the panic and coldness I felt inside me. This is what I wrote back then:

If I needed to be reminded of how alone I am now and how strong Kim made me, I just got it.

Ava and I went out to try and hit a few stores around 1030am. She seemed fine, playful, no problem. When we were in Target in Seekonk she started complaining about her belly hurting. At first I wasn’t worried because when this happens it passes in 5 minutes. Today lasted longer and she said she thought she was gonna vomit. We went to the restroom but she didn’t need to. Instead of doing any of our other stops we came right home. The ride was scary. She was in pain and almost vomited. I truly didn’t know what to do. Head to Hasbro? Pull over? Keep heading home?

This is where id rely on Kim. I asked her in my mind to help…. please. Traffic was horrible and it took forever to get home. Ava was crying and when I suggested the hospital she freaked out. We were in the living room and she was about to vomit…. I grabbed a bucket and she threw up a little. I couldn’t help but cry as I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t wanna overreact but I didn’t wanna hesitate.  She calmed down after throwing up and is better now.

I hate having to do this alone. I hate doing this without her. I hate feeling so scared now. Everyone tells me there are signs you get to know that she is still around…with us..but I look…  no … i SEARCH and all I find are memories, sadness, more pain.

Call it self pity, but for me this is reality. The thing you have to do when coping with loss is to understand your reality, and accept there are things that cannot be changed. Im not saying accept it such as, “Oh well, life goes on”, but accept that this is outside your control, but you CAN control how you respond to it, right? It is ok to fall down, and even beat yourself up for a short time about something you can’t control, because you are human, but it is not ok to choose to stay on the ground. That is not our purpose on this world and I now see that clear today. Hey, if you don’t see it yet, it’s ok. When you read my writings from 2 years ago, it is clear I didn’t see it all the t ime either. It did not start to become more “intuitive” for me until I accepted that for me, Im not in control, God is. Bad people will still do bad things, nature will still cause catastrophes, but that doesnt mean that God is not in control. I think most people fear death, so when we lose someone, that reality that one day it will be you too hits, and also wreaks havoc on our minds. I was starting to get it that in order to understand and have a foundational faith on this side, I needed one that was sound on the other as well.