In retrospect, it was almost like “LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!”

Right after my wife passed, there was such an outpouring of support. Of course close friends and family were always there for me, and still are, but I was receiving calls, messages, cards, and general sympathies from people I had not seen in years to those I talk to here and there. It was great because when my wife passed and I was left facing raising a 4 year old girl all alone, one of the fears was, ” how do I do this alone?”

So what do I mean by lights, camera, action? Well when Kim passed, many people suddenly jumped into acting roles. They became people they truly were not. It may have been well intentioned, it may have been narcissistic, but there were people who injected themselves to the front line of Ava’s life and mine, and were there for us. So it seemed. Look, like any death, there are usually services where people from all over gather, then time passes on and that crowd dwindles. It’s silly to think that everyone that was there the day of the funeral would be there at our house today checking in. That’s not my point. My point is where did they go, why, and did I do the right think for my child letting them make a cameo appearance in our lives to begin with.

When a child loses a parent, it is extremely important that the child has a strong bond to those people in their life, and that there is consistency to those people in that child’s life. In Ava’s case, she lost her best friend, her mom, who she never went two days without seeing. Now there were people coming around almost daily. Hugging, kissing, bringing gifts, playing with Ava. All that was comforting at the time. What I wasn’t prepared for was that some of those people, and unfortunately, some who were very close with Ava, chose to walk out of her life and leave her missing yet another person, friend, and in her mind, family.

Experiment time! Go to Google and search Google images. Type in one word. ATTACHMENT. What do you see? The majority of pictures are of children, usually daughters, with their moms. Though at times others will take this for granted, I do not.

It has been almost 2 years and I have not been in a relationship with anyone since Kim. Have I been lonely, scared, wishing I had a partner to be with? Of course. I am human and I don’t hate myself for having thought that at times. However, the only thing that matters to me, is Ava. Her mental welfare is paramount over anything else. I have always known and felt that, which is why we were in counseling before Kim even had a funeral. The thing I underestimated was that though I knew I could always remove people in our life that were toxic or not supportive, I was not planning on some of the closest, most attached people to Ava, would just walk out on her, leaving her thinking that this is just what life is. People come, people go.

Children who lose their mom often grow up to not develop into monogamous relationships. Not all children, but a large percent. What does that mean for us? It means that Ava can meet new people who wont be around daily, or maybe I know they wont be around in a few months at all, but I cannot let her become so attached to any of these “acquaintances” that she has to “mourn” them suddenly disappearing without a warning. We have been there, done that. 

Part of me has wanted to call people out by name. Here, on my social media, or even in person. Kim would not have wanted me to go to that place. I have had “friends” come to me for support months after Kim passed, knowing that I shouldn’t have been asked for anything at that time because I just felt guilt and like I owed everyone for putting up with me. I did favors for people that felt once the favor was done, we were even and we could live our separate lives.  Trust me, it comes out of many unexpected places and from relationships you thought were far stronger. As much as you may want to give second and third chances to people, you have to make sure that it is not at the cost of your child, or yourself for that matter.

I will say, there are people in our life who have been astonishingly solid and that without them, I think some of those lost relationships would have affected Ava even more. After Kim passed, it was important for me to have female role models in Ava’s life. Since then, many relatives and friends have made it a point to make sure Ava knows they are here. My cousin comes over weekly for over a year once a week just to play with Ava, do projects, and have fun. I remember when that started and Ava did not want company, she just wanted to play, but now, she looks forward to that date every week and is upset if we cannot get together due to conflicting schedules. Family and friends have hosted sleepovers for her which are great for her to also develop some independence too. Our support system is great. If you do not have strong support, well, you are the reason why I created this site, and my private support group Rewriting Ourselves. You may not have exactly what I typed, but you are never truly alone.

And speaking of alone. Yes, I had thoughts of anxiety, fear, sadness, that I would now be raising Ava alone. Truth be told, Im not alone, and neither is she. We have friends who are family and family who are our friends. We are blessed also because I have rebuilt my faith in God and know we are not alone. There is one other person I know is still with us, and that is Kim. I am not going to get into spiritual beliefs … yet, but I will say I know Kim is in our hearts…in our fabric of our mind… and she still guides us. She guides my actions, my reactions, my mind, and, my heart. She speaks through Ava in actions and in words. The love she gave us for our time with her now permeates through us and if all goes well, and we do the next right thing, it will carry out, onto others. As long as they stick around long enough to receive it. If only life came with guarantees. If only.

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