The answer, simply was…..”Why not?”.   

Truth is she was not the first person I ever lost that was close to me. My dad passed away a few years earlier. This was before Ava was born but I was already dating Kim. I thought I knew the depths of sorrow and grief then, because after all, I was dealing with my own pain and then trying to hold myself together because watching my mom suffer was tearing away my nerves and feeling from the inside out. Nothing prepared me for this though, so I reached out to everyone that would listen. This was early October. The funeral wasn’t for many more days, and being catholic, I struggled with deciding on whether I should take Ava to pay her last respects. She was 4 at the time.  

Nothing prepared me for this pain. Again, it wasn’t just processing my own pain, that seemed manageable, at least in my imagination. I was so grief ridden for Ava. Her mom was gone. Physically anyway. Spiritually this story goes in so many different directions that if you stay with me here, you may need a notebook or a ven diagram to keep track. Most of my thoughts for that first year were strictly focused on Ava’s loss…on Kim’s loss….Kim’s relative’s…friend. I don’t know how long it took before I “selfishly” started to grieve my own loss.   

Here is a post I made a few days after her passing that brings me back to where I was at:

“I’ve never shared a lot on here but I think that may change now….I’m so scared, sad, and broken without Kim. To see Ava cry when saying she doesn’t have a mommy anymore is killing me. My friends and family are here. Support is coming out of so many unexpected places but yet, I feel so, so alone. I feel that way because I truly don’t believe anyone here knows the pain I’m in, and I’m happy you don’t. Kim had started prepping Ava’s Halloween costume. Every year she hand made it. This year she started one but never got to finish. I asked Ava today if she still wanted to go trick r treating and she said yes. Ava was supposed to be Dorothy, Kim the Good witch and me the scarecrow. I asked Ava, do you wanna go with our friends we were supposed to go with? She then asked “and mom?” then she said “oh yeah, moms dead”. I had to leave the room. Things were hitting me… I didn’t know Ava’s shoe size to buy her socks for her outfit…. does she get a flu shot? did she have one yet?? I couldn’t remember…I’ve been talking out loud…begging Kim to give me a sign she is here with us. I need her help. She carried us. I keep looking for signs now for comfort but they haven’t come from her. I need to know she is ok. Ill never understand why she was taken so violently. I prayed almost every night and the night she was taken I made a special prayer.. Jesus, please protect her tonight as she recovers… and what happened? My faith has been blasted. Part of me says I’m done believing but if I do that, then where did Kim go…. my dad? Everyone I’ve ever lost? I cant listen to it was Gods Plan to take her like that. She was raising an amazing girl that she devoted her LIFE to, so the plan was what? To destroy so many lives??? I fear where she is now, because she wasn’t baptized but she believed in God and recently came to church with me. She wanted to get baptized with Ava but it was something I was supposed to work on. I went by my house yesterday for the first time. I didn’t take down her pics or anything, but I didn’t wanna confuse Ava so I got rid of her bathroom stuff and her side of the bed items so she didn’t think Mom would be back soon. The first thing I threw away of hers was her toothbrush. Ill remember that till I’m gone.”

Kim had not been baptized, and Ava had not either. I was supposed to be all over that. I FINALLY started to get motivated earlier that year. I fell short and as of Kim’s passing, neither her or Ava were baptized. That led to me questioning, where is she? Is she in heaven? I knew I needed answers, but first, I had to get through another night.