The day you lose someone you care for, you immediately might feel like you won’t be able to get through the next day. Then the next day passes and you think that you will never get through the week. As weeks pass, we often begin to dread other milestones that are coming. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. When I lost my wife in October of 2019 I remember feeling every one of these feelings. Dreading the next day.. week.. then Halloween. How was I going to get through that, let alone Christmas?? Words did not help. Encouragement from others fell short. All I could do was try to get through the next hour and go from there.
As time passes, you shift slowly from looking forward to finally being able to look backward. Often in life I was told not to look back, only look ahead. Set goals. Strive for dreams. Things like this. I suppose this makes sense to a degree, but for me, my healing would not have ever moved forward if I did not look backward at times. I looked back for two reasons. One, to cherish memories and hold on to them. I had such a fear of losing memories that I began writing… a lot. I wanted to catalog every feeling, memory, and emotion so I would never lose them. Looking backward was almost a non negotiable for me. I needed to look back because I felt that I had just lost so much so I refused to let anything else be taken from me. I understand that looking back can bring up painful memories as we are reminded about what we lost, but for me, grief had already taken too much and I refused to let it take any more.
The other reason I looked backward is because that is the only way to see your progress about how far I had come. Its natural to look forward, I mean, our eyes are on the front of our heads so what choice do we have?? Looking forward was important for me, but it became equally as important as looking back. Friends and family would try to encourage and support, and many times their efforts were invaluable, BUT, sometimes people don’t know what to say and in an effort of trying to be supportive may say the wrong thing. The one guaranteed method of encouragement that I could always rely on was being able to look at what I had been able to overcome. It is very easy to fear the next holiday, but when you look back at the last one you made it through, you can begin to tell yourself, I can do this because I’ve done it before.
Some people will say that their second year grieving is worse than the first. Some say their first year was like a fog. It is different for every one yet the same in the fact that it is not easy or predictable. Something that was important for me to finally be able to do while grieving is to know that how I am feeling at the time is how I SHOULD be feeling. Whether it was loneliness, anxiety, or fear, what helped was speaking and listening to others who were grieving that were also having these feelings. As I attended support groups and heard others share their journeys, it helped me understand that these feelings I was having were normal when grieving. I did not have to be afraid of them.
As holidays and other milestones pass, new ones were always on the horizon. Life, as we know, keeps going. I remember not wanting to look forward or backward at the beginning, as both directions scared the hell out of me. Grief can do a lot of things to our way of thinking, and shifting our perspectives is one of those ways it does that. Things that meant a lot to me before my wife passed like watching football games or riding my motorcycle meant a lot less now, but things like coaching my child’s soccer game now had a value that you could not place a price tag on. Looking forward and backward can have two different effects. It did for me anyway. When I initially started to think about what was up ahead I would fear all of the unknown. If I looked back I would just cry about what I had. As you move forward and develop ways to bring those we lost with us in various ways, perspectives can shift. As I found ways to continue to honor and cherish my wife… to help my daughter keep fond memories of her mom, perspectives shifted. Now I didn’t cry about what I had, I smiled about what I had, because I am blessed to have had met my wife, to have known her, get married, and have an amazing daughter. I don’t fear the future but I commit to making the future beautiful by always honoring the present.
It may be a new year but the feelings and emotions you have will probably stay the same. We all heal at our own pace. Maybe this is your first, second, or 3rd year grieving a loss. This year may or may not be easier than the last. Sometimes it is a subtle realization that will come to you that will help you overcome whatever obstacle you are facing. Everybody is different and we all have a different path. The one thing that remains evident is that change takes work, in anything we do. If you are not where you want to be just yet, it is okay. You just aren’t there YET. Even if you are pushing forward and trying to overcome your loss in healthy ways, it still takes time. During that time, allow yourself to look backwards with reverence and look forward with hope. It may be a new year, but you made it through last year. You can do it because you did it before.