As the days passed, I tried to hit the fast forward button on healing. I learned later on that much like the “Door Close” button in elevators, the fast forward button also does not work. Staying busy is definitely a good idea for anyone, especially if your busy doing life’s tasks and chores, but it doesn’t erase anything. It’s the equivalent of turning the car radio up louder when you hear an unwanted noise in the engine.

I was nailing down things that Kim would do like getting Ava’s winter attire purchased and meal planning. One of the toughest parts of this has always been that a little girl does not have her mom. There are so many broken families I’ve met but the majority have lost the husband or dad, not the wife or mom. I am in this rare club that I just don’t want to be in, and kind of like BJ’s, they just keep renewing my membership every year because I forget to cancel. I knew then as I know now, it’s going to be tough on Ava at times and almost unbearable for me at times too. We would need each other and I will always remind myself that. 

This pic here is of my practicing on her hair in prep for Halloween. She was supposed to be Dorothy and I needed to get double braids down. Kim made each of Ava’s costumes every year. I had panicked thinking I would need to get this done in the few weeks I had. Little did I know there was her costume, already made, hanging in our laundry room when I came back from staying at our friends’ house for those few days. I couldn’t believe it. I knew she must have told me, “Robert, I have Ava’s costume and I’m hanging it up downstairs”, but I was me. I probably said “Uh huh, ok”, and didn’t even pay attention. I took for granted that when I NEEDED that information I could just ask her again. 

Here are some excerpts of the posts I wrote back then, 11 days after…

I had been playing the “go,go,go” game but I also knew that would not sustain the long term. I struggled with Kim not being baptizedfor some time. Over the next few months I spent a lot of time reading, talking to people, and coming to a better place and understanding of what I feel happens to us when we pass and where I feel Kim is now. I know she is okay.

I had gotten Ava’s first big kids haircut which was emotional for me. The stylist and management at Capelli Salon were amazing and took special care of Ava. They even gave her a special gift bag. I have only brought her there since. That was Kim’s salon too. I am truly trying to raise Ava in momma’s footsteps. Ultimately Ava stopped playing soccer, but the pandemic also made that an easier decision to accept. She did not like playing without mom there.

Here are 2 important takeaways I ask you to write down….

Everyone heals from grief differently. Do not think your path will be the same as anyone else’s. Just because you meet someone who is 10 years out of losing a loved one and they struggle to get out of bed daily, does not mean that will be your story too. That is THEIR story. Respect it, acknowledge their pain, but do not think you have to “copy and paste” it into you life’s book. You don’t. You can write, or, REWRITE your own tale.

Lastly, as you already so harshly know, nothing is permanent, including the exact state your mind is in right now. The pain never goes away, but your ability to carry it will strengthen if you train your mind to do it. Picture a 17 year old teen going into a gym for the first time and maybe can only lift 90 pounds of weight. Through daily training, the body gets accustomed and toned for lifting more, but also, that original weight gets easier to lift. You need time to distract, and escape, but do not ignore the importance of processing, and facing your pain. Through moments of reflection and acknowledgement of your life, you will train not your body, but your mind, to be able to lift more weight, but just like that teen, it will also get easier.

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