Not Letting Go

I am writing this post in mid April. Ava just turned 6, the weather has been in the 60s, and in a month or so, Ava will be graduating Kindergarten. I don’t know if the recent blindside of emotion is coming from me missing the past or me missing the future. Of course every day I revisit memories. Yes, I know it is going to bring sorrow and maybe a smile, but it is the strength of that emotion that sometimes makes me feel connected to Kim. Intense emotion.

See, love is an intense emption, but what makes it more intense is when it is coming from a 2 way connection. Though I will never stop loving Kim, she cannot reciprocate the emotion by not being here, but, her not being here is what gives grief and sadness its intensity. In an odd way, during my grieving it is like the intensity of the pain has become an instant emotional burst that just makes me feel as if she can feel me still, trying to help ease it.

It has been a rough couple of weeks of reminiscing. We have been going to some of our spots we used to visit as a family, as well as new ones I know Kim would have loved. Today I had to run into one of Kim’s favorite stores, Target. I remembered how many times we went there for essentials when Ava was a newborn. If Nutramigen was on sale we would go buy up whatever we could get our hands on. As I walked there alone today, tears and emotion overwhelmed me. After I checked out, I felt the urge to look at my receipt. The total was both of our birthdays. Maybe it was coincidental, but I believe in signs. In fact, I will get to that in a future post.

As I read my old journal entries, Halloween had just passed and I was feeling the guilt and anger of her loss. It’s wild how after all this time, so many emotions and feelings still feel the same. If you are struggling with guilt of losing a spouse, this entry from OCT 2019 may resonate with you:

Can I ask a favor?

Can I please ask everyone to stop telling me how I can do this… Stop telling me I’ve got this… And please stop telling me how good of a dad I am.

Look, I get it. No one knows what I’m going through so they don’t know what to say. Ok fine. So let me let you in my head a little.

Not for a second have I thought I am not good dad. Not for a second have I thought that I cannot do this. What I can think about is this. FACT: Ava is 4. She WILL forget. Google it if you need to. Her mom was the greatest mother I have ever met and her legacy in her daughter’s mind will be forgotten. Her sweetness her Passion for life, forgotten. What she will remember are stories and things I tell her. Please do not reply with a comment trying to relate the two and that they are the same. They are not. Would you prefer a vacation in Hawaii or stories and pictures of Hawaii? I fear that the quality time that Kim and I was able to commit to Ava is now fractured. We are NOT tv parents. Ava does not get put in front of A TV for hours a day. She doesn’t have a active cell phone or tablet. She gets played with, spoken to, interacted with, disciplined, loved. Between the 2 of us we were able to cover all those bases and not leave her and neglected for a second . Now in order for me to accomplish certain things that she cannot be part of, she will not have that interaction.

Her mom did not have to try at any of this . It was natural muscle memory for her to be an over the top amazing mom. Again, let me remind you, I don’t need to be told how I can do so many of the things that she did or how I can show her love and make it better.

If you want to understand how I feel you need to wrap your head around this . I am not grieving for myself yet. I am destroyed because such an amazing young person who suffered and endured so much in life was screwed over. I am destroyed that my little girl was screwed all the future w mom and because she is 4 will be robbed her memories. This is fact!! Brain development works that way. I can talk about Kim every day, show her pictures, watch videos, but she is going to forget. If she was 14 or something like that she would keep memories. She is not going to at age 4.

I understand that you don’t know how hard Kim worked for this family and that girl. She did so much and I’ll tell you this , I will always look back and be in awe of her, humbled by her, and regret Not making sure she knew how highly I thought of her. I did tell her on many occasion that she was the best mom in the world and I conveyed in a way where I think she knew I meant it . she never felt that way but she was.

I Guess I am posting this because I just think that there are too many people feeling if they can just convince me that I can handle this then the future will be OK and we can all move on. Maybe he will stop posting these long sad messages…. Maybe we can stop feeling so bad and visit him. If you are looking for the right thing to say or the proper way to act, You need to understand what was lost. I’m not a 65 year old man who just lost his 60 year old wife in a sad because his best friend is gone. We only had 10 years together and 5 years of marriage comes December. Her daughter only had her for 4 and a 1/2 years. I see many of you posting about losing your dad or your mom and you have a hell of a lot more time than that yet your posts every anniversary are heart wrenching tribute to your loved ones. What would your post say if you only had 4 years with them?

My grief is not about me, yet. Its about them.

Ava has a tablet now, and I have had to make compromises in order to keep us both going. I have made a focus of doing things that will help keep Kim alive in Ava’s mind, things I would recommend. We have pictures up that I try to swap out a lot. I will record Ava describing her memory of the photo, so down the road Ava can watch vids of herself talking about those memories. I keep videos of us all on my phone so Ava can view them randomly. I also try to swap them out. We go to alot of the places we always went to as a family and when there, we talk about times we were there with mom. If you want the easy way to figure out what to do it is simple. Whatever is tough on you is probably better for your child. Maybe that’s not tested sound advice all the way around, but what Im saying is that some of the best things I have done in the last few years to keep Kim going in Ava’s mind has also been extremely tough on me. It’s a small price to pay if it pays off in the end.