Over the course of the last few years, it is crazy how many times my perspectives have changed or how my beliefs have shifted. You know how they say nothing is forever? The same goes for my beliefs and perspective. It seemed to change regularly based off of my emotions, which is ironic, because I also feel my emotions changed based off of my beliefs and perspectives. 

At the time I wrote the following excerpt online, it was the anniversary of when Kim and I met. We had been married almost 5 years and been together for 10. It’s crazy how little that is when you compare it to couples we know, yet in that time, we made so many memories. It has been two years since and I still feel like living without her has left a void I can never fill. She was truly so special, so unique. When so many people wanted to go out to eat or for drinks on a Friday night, she was excited to stay home, cook on the grill, and watch the Forsyte Saga. I have never known anyone I just truly trusted so much. I never doubted anything she said, which is probably why she pulled off such a great surprise birthday party for me at Dave and Busters when I turned 40. What was becoming evident was that I needed to grow or gain something out of this that I could use to make me a better person and a true example for Ava as we each grew. The following is of what I wrote on the day of our 10th anniversary of our first date:

“This happened to me a few times now over the last 2 months. Sometimes tragic events cause you to re evaluate your views on the world, Sometimes something up lifting can cause the same effect. Other times, combination of bad and good can cause somebody to totally question, “Who am I” or “What am I doing ?”. We all know how a tragic event can have you questioning your beliefs, your faith, What’s the point etc. Something positive can have you appreciate life far greater than you ever have before. Imagine getting results back from a health scare that show you have a clean bill of health or maybe you walked away from a horrific a car accident that you just should not have survived. You feel like you have a new lease on life. What about when both things happen simultaneously? Think back to 911. We saw a tragedy at its highest, however, it was immediately met with so much brotherhood and love throughout the country and much of the world. I remember in the days following 911 if somebody had a flag on their car, you didn’t care if they cut you off in traffic, and in fact, you would often slow down to allow them to get in front of you. We saw firemen and policemen as heroes and were national treasures. Even though there was tremendous loss and grief, there was also tremendous love and courage being displayed everywhere and it was powerful.

I think it’s a safe assumption that everyone reading this has gone through at least one of these 3 events. Tragedy, Happiness, or both at once. All 3 have the ability to set you on a path of life changing proportion, But we all know it’s not individual events that make us who we are, but its how we respond to these events.

Today marks ten years since Kim and my first date.  In those 10 years we each experienced tragedy, happiness, and sometimes both at once. I think that’s what being in a relationship comes down to. Sometimes we are both happy, sometimes both distraught or stressed, or sometimes we feel one way while our partner feels entirely different. For 10 years Kim and I managed to stay together, grow our love, grow our family, and plan for the future, while often being in different emotional places. They were many times where I felt very fulfilled in my job and the creativity I was allowed to have in performing it while she would be in tears about her job and how she felt she could be doing so much more somewhere else. There are times where I watched her make being a parent look easy or wish she would go and accomplish academic feats while I struggled to do The food shopping and I had nothing more to show for my education than an associate’s degree from community college. In the end though, the comfort through anything in life was always the support no matter what we would never be alone because we had each other’s back.

When everything happened last month there were continual thoughts I was processing. One that kept coming backup was how I no longer had her there to make me feel safe. After getting married I learned to appreciate the security you have knowing you have that person to come home to for the rest of your life. You picture the good times growing old together, taking some type of road trip when you retire. You also picture the bad times where you picture yourself having undergone a major medical procedure but you have that person with you through every minute of it and you know you’re not alone. Mentally I was simultaneously processing happiness and tragedy at the same time. Imagining ever doing this without her still brings me to tears to even type. However, I know I cannot reverse time and I need to somehow move forward in time and face this.

Hence the beginning of my spiritual journey. We all believe in something like it or not. Whether you believe we evolved from chimpanzees, whether you believe we came from Adam-and-Eve, or even if you believe in nothing, you believe in something because believing in nothing is still believing in something. Trippy huh? I always had a clear belief of where I came from , who I am, And who I was going to be in the future. I have come to a realization that if you took your past self, your present self, and, your future self, and totally changed any one of those, it is obviously going to change the others as well. My future was erased and rewritten on the day Kim passed. I did not have a hand in rewriting it. It was re written for me when my visions of Kim and myself being there for Ava’s 1st day of kindergarten, Teaching her how to ride a bike without training wheels together, Visiting Disney world together, Growing old together, All was erased and rewritten. Of course it was going to change the present me. But going back to what I wrote earlier, Events don’t change who you are it’s how you respond to them. I was foolish my whole life to think I was going to get to write my story of tomorrow. Were lucky enough to be able to write a story for today. So that’s what I am trying to focus on doing every morning when I wake up. What story do I want to live today. Sometimes it’s a tragedy, Other times it’s a story of happiness and love, And some days, that story has it all mixed in. It’s not an easy read at times.

One thing I am starting to accept as I travel this road is that perhaps Kim really is still with me and Ava. As I have been searching for answers I have been finding quite a few of them already inside of me. One thing I know is that my view of the world a couple months ago is not the same view I have today. My appreciation for people in my life was not the same is it is today. I wish I could have seen some of this while Kim was still physically with me, But I didn’t. She did, just not me. I guess what I’m trying to do is look at it this way, I know I am not done experiencing tragedy, so if that’s true why should I be done experiencing happiness? The word happiness is synonymous with guilt to me right now. I don’t think I will ever truly achieve the level of happiness that I had on our last family trip to santa’s village Or when I look at some of the photos in remember the moments of seeing Kim and her little girl playing at horseneck beach together. That type of happiness I think will be unattainable for me, because there is always going to be a whole that can’t be filled. What I do know is that there will be things that make me happy in ways. Knowing Kim can still see us, is with us, and loves us gives me hope. If you ask me if I believe If we came from tadpoles, if there were 2 of every animal put on a giant boat, or if we all are not even really here at all and this is one big dream, I would tell you today that I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I haven’t gotten that far but when I do I’m sure I’ll post a giant Facebook post about it. But I do know that I now believe my family and friends because they have shown me they are real. I believe in my daughter and Kim because Our love for each other is real. But what I really need to believe in Is myself. I posted a video of Ava riding her bike earlier this week and she said “Ava is the bravest. Ava can do anything.” Thanks kiddo, I got your message.”