,One thing I still cannot do almost two years later….. PURGE.
I’m not being philosophical here. I’m not talking about purging emotions or bad thoughts. I mean I literally cannot purge our home and get rid of all the clutter we are drowning in. If you went back a few years, Kim and I would talk about how we have too much stuff, and on occasion, Kim would set aside time and get rid of, donate, sell, random things that were just collecting dust. I used to get mad at Kim sometimes because we would have totes of old clothes, or bags of old toys, and Id wanna just chuck them but Kim would say, “Robert, I’m going to sell all of that.” I would reply how she has been saying that for 3 years and we would duke it out until I just relented and the stuff sat there a bit longer.
She must be laughing at me now. In the last 2 years we have accumulated a lot of stuff. In addition to all of the holidays and birthdays, etc, we also have all of the items people gave Ava and myself out of compassion and kind gestures since we lost Kim. In addition, we have all of the things I have gotten for Ava to try and make her childhood as fun as I can. Maybe those above sentences do not sound bad, but when you don’t get rid of ANY old items and you live in a modest condo, it gets tight.
So what’s my problem? The problem is I am far more sentimental than I ever realized, and Ava got that from me too. I have walked around here with a box, a trash bag, and a tote, looking for things for Goodwill. I pick up a puzzle that is for a 2 year old, and then remember all the times Kim and I sat with Ava teaching her how to do it, so I put it back. I grab a stuffed animal that’s kicked under Ava’s bed, and I remember how we were on our way home from New Hampshire and I had said NO MORE STUFFIES but Ava was crying at Calef’s in Barrington and Kim said, “Robert, she is so sad”. So we got it. Ava was maybe 3. Every friggin thing in this place reminds me of Kim so bad. Marie Condo, the cleaning and organizing guru says, “If something does not bring you joy, then get rid of it”. Ok Marie, so what about when getting rid of anything removes your joy? What about when it makes you feel like your throwing the memories of joy that you had in a donation bin as well? Is this rational? Nah probably not, but it is my life. I thought about taking a picture of anything we donate so that we always have the memory, which I did with some things. Today I had a big purge in the basement so we could move some stuff down there. I was able to get rid of a bunch. Well, it was mostly my stuff. I sold or disposed of 400 dvd movies, got rid of some old tools, some old signs, and finally a few of Ava’s old items. I never get rid of ANYTHING that I know Kim got her. I can’t do it. Ava also asked me not to. Its just about 2 years. I do not believe there is a handbook that says what you have to do when, but I don’t think 2 years is long in comparison to what we lost as a family.
There are so many memories attached to these possessions, but yet, I know the possessions are not what brought us joy, it was each other that did that. What I learned there is that even if you have no intention of getting rid of someone that brings you joy, they, or you, will be taken away anyway. The possessions though, they almost serve as a little time machine, as something you can still look at and touch, remembering how we stacked those duplo blocks so high when we built a castle, or how we would hide those 7 wooden eggs every night and take turns finding them, even if it looks like a baby toy now. I do not know if anyone is coming here for a time line of what-how-when, but listen, I do not know what it is for you. I know that for me, I am going through enough hell every day. Going to the cemetery today. Listening to her voice inn my head. Ill set my own timeline, and it may not be what those around here agree with. Maybe Marie Condo would have a different take on this, but for now, I keep holding on to any joy I can, and why not? You do not have to make big decisions today. What is that you say? We are not guaranteed tomorrow? Well, I suppose your right. But, if for some reason I am not here tomorrow, then I guess the clutter wont matter anymore anyway. Prioritize your self care, your emotional balance, and all else will be possible. Most of Kim’s clothes are in totes, but my bedroom closet is still lined with her articles. The only two people who look in there are Ava and I and you know what, when we do, and we see her clothes there, it is ok. I do not think I’m ready to open the door and see they are not. But that is ok.