Recently my 9 year old daughter went to a play date at her friend’s home a few towns over. I had arranged with her friend’s mom that I would be there to pick her up at about 3PM and I dropped my daughter off. I went and ran a few errands and finished up not too far from her friend’s at about 2:45PM so I decided Id pick her up early and maybe we could go for Ice Cream or a frozen lemonade and go to the park for a few before dinner.
As soon as I arrived my daughter and her 2 friends started begging me for more time. “Dad, nooooo you’re early! Please, PLEASE can we stay for ten minutes? PLEASE?” Her friend’s mom overheard and offered me a seat if I wanted to let them play a little longer so I agreed and the 3 girls ran off to have some fun.
As I got lost in conversation with both of her friend’s parents, I did not realize it was now 3:15pm. I called for my daughter who…. take a guess… wanted more time. She didn’t want to leave. Of course I reminded her that at 2:50PM I agreed to 10 more minutes and here we were 25 minutes later. Well that didn’t matter. I then had to put my foot down and say we were leaving but that she would see her friends again “soon”, of course knowing that soon for me was NOT going to be her idea of soon. Her and her friends all hugged and were sad. They didn’t want to let go of each other but I finally got her out the door.
Now she had no idea we were going to go for ice cream and the park because I didn’t dare say that in front of her friends and have their parents beat me because now THIER kids want ice cream! It wasn’t until we were driving away when I told her where we were headed. Of course that made things a little more acceptable and suddenly she wasn’t thinking about her friends, she was asking me what flavors they had at the ice cream place we were going to.
So, I’ve developed this thing I do when I find myself asking God for clarity on something. I often will compare my role as God’s child to Ava’s role as my child. For instance, when Ava asks me a question over and over like, “Are we there yet?” After answering for the 3rd time I sometimes will just remain silent and not say anything. I think about this at times when I’m asking God something again that I feel he had already answered for me at least once before. After he has already answered me on past occasions, it sometimes feels very familiar when he stays silent after having responded to me already but now I am seeking validation for my own needs and not an answer that in fact I already had received.
On this day it was no different. I realized it when falling back into one of my “WHY” moments. Anyone grieving knows the feeling of just being overwhelmed and asking why. If you have faith in God, you will ask God why. Maybe you’ll ask a friend, WHY? Sometimes we just say it out loud to no one at all because we know there is no answer. Though we yell it out, we don’t expect a reply because why seems like an impossibility. So thinking about that play date, its ironic how when its someone’s time “to go”, as in pass away, we are never ready. We always want ten more minutes. At times I believe we are given “ten more minutes”. In reality, our last ten minutes was not promised to us, so we all reading this know, for a fact that we were given ten more minutes…. TEN MINUTES AGO… but still, its not enough. It will never be enough. Talk to someone who lost a 90 year old family member and I’m sure they would want ten minutes. When I picked up my daughter I gave her 25 more minutes and it was not enough. I told her friend and her friends that they would see each other again, like we tell grieving loved ones, but in both cases it provides little comfort, at least right then. Later on after time passes the saying “You will see each other again” transforms from just noise to true comfort that we get excited for. Her and her friends were sad at her leaving, as we are when someone passes, but once we were in the car on the way my daughter was fine because she learned she was going somewhere better with ice cream and a playground as our destination. Her friends were stuck at home facing the reality that their friend left and now they are alone. They weren’t sad for her. They were sad for themselves. Ironically, they still had each other as company where my daughter, well ok, she had ME but I mean she probably would’ve wanted her friends for 10 more minutes instead!
It is easy for me to see the comparison of me taking her home as to when God takes us home as well. If you ask everyone involved at the time she was leaving, nobody was happy, including me. I don’t take joy in making her or her friends sad, but I needed to do what I did because of my plan for the day. Ultimately she got in the car on her own. I did not drag her or threaten her. This is because she is 9 and knows that I’m still in charge. She still defers her plans to whatever mine are because she accepts that I am in control. Its just pretty wild to me at how identical that played out to when we lose someone.
I am writing this to give some different perspective. When we lose someone, there are now words that truly comfort. There were no words that made her friends feel better, it just took time. Words didn’t help Ava feel better in the car. It took a promise of ice cream and a playground. as well as assurance of where she was going. If you are reading this maybe you believe in Heaven. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you pray to God or maybe you don’t. I believe that what we all need to do is develop an assurance in our mind of where we are going when we pass. What is it that we believe? I think our acceptance of what comes next for each one of us is important. If you truly believe that there is nothing, then that’s what you need to live today in prep for. I wouldn’t leave my house today for a 10 mile run without wearing the right shoes and bringing some water. Id prepare but I’d also help anyone coming with me prepare. If you are local to Fall River, MA you are welcome to contact us about joining our in person support group meetings. Whatever your beliefs, prepare now for that destination. That’s your own promise. A promise of where we are going derived from an assurance that grew inside of us. It may be different for you than it is for me, but having those 2 pieces will help you next time one of your friends gets picked up or its time for you to go.