Every step is a step forward
For some of us, Thanksgiving was the first holiday we came upon since losing a loved one. For others, it’s just another in a long chain of milestones we are tasked with facing as we also try to come to terms with accepting we lost the physical presence of someone we loved so dearly. Though i cannot speak for everyone, I can say that for many of us, those first few holidays you come upon after losing someone can be very challenging.
As we approached Thanksgiving it would be common to have the feeling like “I cant do this”. When I lost my wife back in October 2019, I had to “celebrate” Halloween 3 weeks later. I did not really feel I had a choice. It had been our favorite holiday second to Christmas and my daughter who was 4 at the time also loved it. In addition, my wife would hand make my daughters costume every year and she had made her “Dorothy” from the Wizard Of Oz for that year. It was hanging in the basement by our washer, almost telling me, “Robert, you CAN do this”.
I recall leading up to Halloween, and the subsequent holidays after that, thinking and saying, ” I can’t do this”. I would dread the weeks and days leading up to it, but then that day would come and go and I would see I DID IT. This cycle repeated for anniversaries, birthdays, you name it. What didn’t help was being in one or two support groups that did not focus on the fact that not only CAN I do this but that I WOULD do it, but rather, they would spend time consoling those who felt they were facing the impossible by being overly empathetic or reciting the many grief mantras of “Just breathe” or “It comes in waves”.
What finally helped me one day was to do something that many people advise against. I had to look back. Yes, sounds odd that in order to move forward I had to divert my focus on the road ahead and look behind me, but that’s exactly what I needed. Too often in my journey I would get so discouraged because there was no finish line in sight. This is because there really IS NO finish line in the way we are hoping it will exist. Still though, let’s look at a marathon runner. They set out to run 26 miles and for 99 percent of that race they cannot see the finish line. At times it is grueling and they want to just drop. Some do. At times they get a sudden boost that is known as a runner’s high. All along this “endless” race, they have to find ways to dig deep and motivate them. This is when I realized that when you are at mile 20 and feel like “I can’t do this”, maybe then its time to turn and look back over your shoulder and take stock of just how far you have come.
I cant stress this enough. I spent so many days dreading what was yet to come and saying and believing that I could not deal with what was coming next. It was not until one day where I stopped and thought about all that i had to face and deal with to get to the point I was currently at. I was always so busy looking for the finish line, I never looked back at the starting line to see just how far I came. How much I OVERCAME that i did not think I could handle. I am no different than you and you are no different than the countless other people who have gone on to push forward while bringing the memories of those they lost WITH them.
Did you ever take part in something scary that you opted to wait and see other people go first so that it helped you overcome your fear? I mean, its no secret that sometimes it helps us to see someone else do something to encourage our own belief and erase self doubt. Maybe you fear public speaking and in school had to present to the class so you asked to go last. Maybe you were zip lining and waited until you saw others in your group go first. Maybe you wanted to try a new really spicy or exotic food but you chose to let a friend try it first. Whatever the scenario, we often draw strength from seeing others do what we think is impossible. Look at others who have climbed this mountain and made it down the other side.
You do not need to use me as an example, though imagine how I felt when I was sitting at the hospital one night and was told my wife had passed unexpectedly. My daughter in a waiting room with a friend, age 4 not knowing what’s happening. Imagine when I asked the doctors to advise me what do I do next? How do I tell my daughter? Where do I turn? Imagine how I felt when I was told that I should go home and Google it because there are great resources there. Imagine the size of that mountain.
If my story does not help you, there are countless others you can learn about. Join a in person support group. Get to know other people who are at different stages of grief. You do not have to look far to find someone carrying a heavier load or who is further down the path than you.
Thanksgiving seemed impossible. You made it. You did it. Not because you did not have a choice, but you made it because you WANTED to. If you want to move forward, you will. I am not saying it will be easy, but I AM saying it is not impossible. Will the upcoming holidays, birthdays, etc be tough? I am sure they will. What makes them tougher is anticipating this feeling that you can’t do it. Today, don’t obsess over what you can or cannot do. Stop, look back, and look at what you have done.
Now, just keep doing it.
You will get through it. We all will.