The Grief P.S.A.

Of all the posts I have written, I do not think any other may resonate with the majority of readers here like this one is about to. Let’s preface this by saying, when one person is deeply grieving, they will be surrounded by people, and most of them probably are really just trying their best to make a horrible situation a little better.

Sigh. I wish someone had handed them THIS post I wrote a month after Kim’s passing BEFORE they decided to help. Le t me know if you’ve “been there” in the comments:

Advice for the growing number of people who disagree with my posts on here and feel I should “be grateful” for xyz.

Click my name, click unfollow or unfriend.

You get to choose.

I didn’t get to choose to tell my daughter her mama died Even though I tried everything I could do to protect the both of them from that day ever happening.

I don’t get to choose to sleep in a “museum” every night without my best friend here.

And I don’t get to choose how I feel at any particular moment of the day. Sometimes I’m just sitting and reading and feel fine, other times I’m jumping on a trampoline And start crying.

But YOU get to choose. I get it that a lot of people feel uncomfortable saying anything to me, being around me, etc. After Kim passed away at least 40 people added me on Facebook and reached out. I am humbled by the amount of people who reached out and offered support and continue to do so. At a meeting I was at tonight, I was asked what am I thankful for, and I said I’m thankful for the amazing support system I have at home.

Now with all that being said I want to get very real. You are not going through what I am going thru. To my best knowledge, none of you have ever gone through what I am going through, not to THIS extent. If you’ve lost a parent it’s not the same. If you’ve lost a friend it’s not the same. Some of you on here have had some horrific losses that I have not experienced so I can’t compare this to that . If you lost a child, I can’t imagine and philosophize what it must be like. I assumed everyone that has spoken with me kind of just gets this but it’s becoming kind of an awakening that people still just don’t understand that this is different. I thought by posting on here it would do a few things. Allow people to know what’s in my head so you’re not worried. Look, do I expect you to feel like I’m A-OK? No of course not. My world has been destroyed And it’s not over. This is a life sentence and I’m also not just guiding myself but having to do the same for Ava. Even through all this I feel I am still doing more for her than many parents who are just going through the regular motions of life.

I see how now when I post something sad, the amount of people that like the post has been cut in half and the amount of people who actually take the time to comment about it is almost non existent. I’m not angry about this, it’s exactly what I said would happen 3 weeks ago. Life goes on for everyone else but it doesn’t go on for Kim, and as far as for Ava and me… it goes on…. just not how we want. So I am doing the best I know how. If my sad posts bother you, honestly, That’s your issue not mine. I could easily just set all my posts to be private so that on the only one that sees them, but there are quite a few of you who have message me thanking me for posting how I feel, sharing, and allowing you to be part of this journey. One thing I know is that you never get over a loss like this. I’ve been to enough meetings and sessions in the last month to know you don’t get over it, you continued to adjust to it. 6 months from now I will be adapting differently than today and 6 months later again I will be different. I will get better at times and then worse at times. I will have UPS and I will have downs. Wow, It’s almost like I feel as if I need to explain to everybody that I am human. I’m not even going to bother trying to explain what it is like going through this because words won’t do it Justice. Have you ever heard about a new movie, a new restaurant, or maybe a new vacation destination? Maybe you’ve heard about this from 10 different people to the point that it’s almost nauseatingly how much you hear about it. Then when you finally go experience it for yourself it’s so much larger and greater than you could have imagined. OK, now use that same philosophy for my situation. Exactly. You can’t fathom it and I don’t expect you to. What you can do is shoot me a text msg, swing by and play w Ava or have dinner w us, make a phone call.

Man, re-reading that from back then made me so thankful that I DO have the support system I need so I could feel strong enough to type that back then. This is EXACTLY why I started Rewriting Ourselves .