As I write this post and I continue to look back at the first year and a half of this life sentence, there is one constant. One thing that will never change. Ava will always be my priority. This is the same when it comes to whose emotional well being needs to take priority. 

There are lots of things that I know if it was not for Ava, I would never do again. Our outdoor movies for one. We buil that that right before Kim passed. We watched some movies out there and had fun plans for Halloween and Christmas outside. When Kim passed I was ready to cut that thing down. I could not imagine doing that without her. That was all until Ava asked when could we watch a movie outside. There are things she wants to do that the 3 of us did, and it is and will always be tough for me. Still, I do it. Not for me, but for her. I want her to live a happy and normal life, doing things she enjoys. I also want her to stay connected to Kim and remember her best she can. If doing those things nourishes that, then its what I have to do. Its what any parent would do.

I have tried to keep Ava’s emotions paramount in my daily life. A good example of that would be when she came home from preschool sad that her friend’s eat goldfish crackers but she can’t. Ava is suspected to have Celiac’s, which means no gluten. Unfortunately, there are no gluten free goldfish on the market. Well, I will let you read my post from Novemer 2019:

“I remember the day Kim was telling me how its a shame they don’t make gluten free goldfish anymore. The used to but they discontinued them. She loved eating them before she was diagnosed with celiac. She said how she had found A recipe online to make them for Ava. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had heard. We have a cabinet full of gluten free snacks and there are now endless options out there. Why would we need to consider the task of trying to make gluten free goldfish at home??

After October 9th everything changed. The ramifications in the depth of those changes Continue to pop up for me in ways I did not anticipate. I cannot explain what it is like every day but to call it challenging would be like calling the Boston marathon kind of a tough workout.

I picked Ava up from school one day and as always, asked to tell me about her day. Sometimes it’s easier to come home and ask Dexter our cat about his day because he is more likely to give me answer. After pleading she told me about her activities. She played in centers…. they did circle time. oh, and all her friends can eat goldfish but she can’t because they have gluten. That’s what she said but what I HEARD was “All my friends have mommies”. That’s what she said the first 3 or 4 nights after I had to tell her the news from that night. Then, I heard Kim…. Telling me about that f-ing recipe online.

So, I found a decent recipe, I ordered a goldfish (and other animals) cookie cutter. Bought the ingredients. Today we went to church and stopped by the cemetery. After lunch we went to town and made the best goldfish crackers ever. Honestly, better than the reg ones!

As we were making these all I could do was think about what was different? When Kim initially suggested doing this I was so adamant that it was not something we needed to do. What changed? It went from being something I look at that we needed to do versus something that I wanted to do. When Ava initially said that 1st time that all of her friends had mommy’s, I didn’t take any convincing for me to know I could not let her Get swallowed up by that same cloud of grief that was swallowing me. I searched the Internet and found not one, but 2 groups that place a huge focus on bringing children in similar situations together so that they know they are not alone. I didn’t do it because I had to, it was because I wanted to. Look, I know as parents there are many things that we do at times because we have to, not because we want to. Kim would spend hours w Ava at the same playground after school because she wanted to. When you saw them together, it was Kim fulfilling her own desires and in turn providing Ava with joy. Its why things were so natural for her that are something I need to make conscious efforts to do. For her remembering someone’s birthday and having gifts and cards ready for it was a natural thing. For me it’s something I have to put in a calendar and set reminders for. For her having Prepared items to take over people’s houses when we were invited was a natural thing. For me it’s something I don’t even think about until I am pulling up to their house. There was just so many times where her Actions were carried out by her wanting to do something, not because she felt that she had to. It’s how I’m going to try and model myself so that Ava is brought up with those values. I know nothing is black and white and I’ll have moments of success and falters. Today, these goldfish were done because I WANTED to. You were right Midge…. they weren’t that bad to make.”

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