Time. Tick…tick….tick….

If it is true….that time heals all wounds, I have 1 question. What the hell is it waiting for?

The first month of Kim’s passing was just hell. I mean, outside of the obvious things you could try to imagine, there are things that become your reality that outsiders just can’t appreciate. It killed me that Ava did not have a mom, a soft, sweet female that was there with unconditional love. I am the disciplinarian. Always have been. Though I still try to be softer, I think now more than ever I need to be strong and stern, but I also need to pour more love out than I ever imagined. That leads to another thing people don’t consider that someone grieving is feeling. That is fear. I think fear was one of the emotions that make this cause more anxiety than I prepare for.

After a month, I was trying to do the right things. I went from turning on religion to meeting with multiple priests to seek answers. I went from saying Id never go back to New Hampshire to heading up on a trip. I thought I was done using our movie theater until Ava asked me one night and I caved in. Point is, I moved forward, but Ava was easily pulling me along. I went against my will, but I still went.

Not everyone reading this is grieving, yet. The thing that I worry of, which is why I started this page, this group, is that there are people reading this…grieving…that don’t have an “ava” to pull them along. So what will pull you when you feel like you don’t wanna move? Well, I’m hoping that you have a close support system around you, but if you don’t, you have those of us here. You are not alone.

I pulled this post I wrote 1 month after Kim passed. Today I read it and see how far I have healed. Its encouraging because I also see how far I still have to go, so its good to see I am moving, whether Ava is pulling me or not.

Tomorrow makes 1 month since our world fell apart.

I keep adding to my post about the things I miss about you and I feel like it will never be finished. I still pray every day but I don’t know if anyone hears them. I prayed the night everything happened… it wasn’t heard. Ava had a tough night last night and it was right after we prayed. It seems every time I pray its followed by heartache. I speak to you every day and I hope you are listening. I don’t know why this happened to us. We weren’t bad people. We just loved our little triangle ( remember Boss Baby, there was only 3 in the family and he said a triangle was the strongest shape w 3 sides). How many times did we watch that w Ava on movie night? Ohhh remember when we would watch her movie downstairs in the living room and we would make popcorn and push the couches together and all cuddle? We were literally that nauseating family that had it pretty good. You deserve better than this which is why I have to figure out how to continue what we built, but how? If only I knew you were here or ok.

Ava and I are going to NH for a few days so we are bringing you flowers today and then I’m takin her to buy some new art supplies. I’m trying to make fun for her but its not the same. She knows it. She is sad that she is the only girl and we cant play girls against boys when we play her games because she has no-one on her team. I told her your still w her but she needs more. We have had some family and friends come play w her but you know how much we devoted to her. to go from that to a visit or two a week is tough for her. NH should be good for her, don’t know how it’ll be in me but that’s not relevant. Its so hard midge. I am not mad at you, i just miss you with parts of me I just learned existed. I hope your watching, I hope I’m doin ok and your proud Please don’t worry, i cant fail, but i can be sad. Please keep trying to let us know your ok and with us. I wont give up looking.

The following post I wrote when I returned talked about the trip. Specifically, I spoke about how so many things up there reminded me of Kim. As they should. As I hope they always will. Look, there are times where I avoid memories. Where I know I will need to have my boxing gloves on but I just dont feel like fighting, so I avoid looking at the Facebook memories, or I dont go through pics on my phone.Overall though, I appreciate the memories. I also appreciate the signs I get that make me feel like Kim, or God, is sending me notes that say, Everything Is Gonna Be Allright. I know everything is gonna be allright. Realizing that did not take long, it’s realizing that everything is gonna be allright when your used to everything being amazing. Allright is kind of a huge downgrade.

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