If it is true….that time heals all wounds, I have 1 question. What the hell is it waiting for?
The first month of Kim’s passing was just hell. I mean, outside of the obvious things you could try to imagine, there are things that become your reality that outsiders just can’t appreciate. It killed me that Ava did not have a mom, a soft, sweet female that was there with unconditional love. I am the disciplinarian. Always have been. Though I still try to be softer, I think now more than ever I need to be strong and stern, but I also need to pour more love out than I ever imagined. That leads to another thing people don’t consider that someone grieving is feeling. That is fear. I think fear was one of the emotions that make this cause more anxiety than I prepare for.
After a month, I was trying to do the right things. I went from turning on religion to meeting with multiple priests to seek answers. I went from saying Id never go back to New Hampshire to heading up on a trip. I thought I was done using our movie theater until Ava asked me one night and I caved in. Point is, I moved forward, but Ava was easily pulling me along. I went against my will, but I still went.
Not everyone reading this is grieving, yet. The thing that I worry of, which is why I started this page, this group, is that there are people reading this…grieving…that don’t have an “ava” to pull them along. So what will pull you when you feel like you don’t wanna move? Well, I’m hoping that you have a close support system around you, but if you don’t, you have those of us here. You are not alone.
I pulled this post I wrote 1 month after Kim passed. Today I read it and see how far I have healed. Its encouraging because I also see how far I still have to go, so its good to see I am moving, whether Ava is pulling me or not.
The following post I wrote when I returned talked about the trip. Specifically, I spoke about how so many things up there reminded me of Kim. As they should. As I hope they always will. Look, there are times where I avoid memories. Where I know I will need to have my boxing gloves on but I just dont feel like fighting, so I avoid looking at the Facebook memories, or I dont go through pics on my phone.Overall though, I appreciate the memories. I also appreciate the signs I get that make me feel like Kim, or God, is sending me notes that say, Everything Is Gonna Be Allright. I know everything is gonna be allright. Realizing that did not take long, it’s realizing that everything is gonna be allright when your used to everything being amazing. Allright is kind of a huge downgrade.
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