When we think of “traditions” our mind jumps to holidays. Grandmas stuffing at Thanksgiving. The annual Christmas parties. Traditions are a lot simpler than that though. For me, a tradition was something like how every Friday it was pizza and movie night for the three of us. A tradition was that first trip to the beach every summer. A tradition was going up to North Conway every fall for the weekend. When traditions are the foundation of what we look forward to about a particular day, month, or season, what is it that we do when those traditions can no longer exist?
When you lose a loved one, as we did, your traditions all tremble in fear, not knowing what is in store for them. Will we abandon them and do something else, maybe make new traditions, or, use them, but change them slightly. I did all three. When Kim passed, I remember looking at our outdoor movie screen that we built months before she passed. I said, I may as well tear that down because ill never use that again. Then one day when the weather warmed up, Ava asked, “Dad, can we watch a movie outside?”. When it came to decorating for the holidays, I knew I couldn’t just not do this because Ava needs normalcy, well, as much of it as I can give her now, so we invited family and friends over to decorate. We continue to adapt. You need to. Covid has helped with that because the whole world had to adapt to change. This year, when Christmas ended, we never took down the tree. We converted it to a valentine’s tree, then a st pats tree, Easter tree, etc. Its staying up year-round. Luckily it IS a fake tree!
If you can tie your traditions in to your “new” journey, it does help your child. They do not want to forget. We feel we need to protect our kids from everything but we need to allow them to be part of these choices sometimes too. Here is a recent story. After my gall bladder surgery, I was left with 4 small cuts. I wouldn’t let Ava see them because I didn’t want to upset her. For a week I made sure I stayed covered. Then last night I’m changing my shirt and she sees them and says, “Dad those aren’t bad, there are band aids, Geesh those are, like, nothing”. Sometimes we may think they need protecting from something, bud sometimes they don’t. It is kind of like the post I wrote stating “It’s All About The Children“. We owe it to them to bring their childhood back to normal, or at least, what normal is now going to have to be.
We had lots of traditions, like going to Dave and Busters, painting ornaments, and…well, there are too many to type. Dave and Busters was a special place for Kim and I. We had our first date there. We had been going for a decade. Going back was something I knew I needed to do, but here is how I made it stay special and feel connected to her.
Originally written Nov 2019:
Today I had to run a few errands in Providence. I decided to stop by Claire’s at the Providence Place mall because one of Ava’s lockets broke and I figured I’d stop in and buy a few to have backups. I know, I probably shouldn’t while I’m not getting a paycheck but there are more important things than money and her smile and having her mom’s pic around her neck is one of them.
It’s weird. As I drove into the mall, parked the car, and headed in, I had that empty feeling again. It’s been bothering me that I always feel so lonely doing things that I used to do without Kim before. Like, at night being home, I hate being downstairs or in the kitchen without Kim. It’s not like I never was in our kitchen alone! The same thing happens at the mall, stores, etc. Then today I realized what it is. It’s not that she isn’t there with me today. It’s that she will never be with me there ever again, at least not physically. I mean, how was I supposed to be mentally prepared to say goodbye to my wife who was 32 years old? The shock and awe hit me all the time. I know that’s not changing any time soon. I started thinking about the holiday season. To go xmas shopping alone… without her. She used to always have a nice sweater for me every cmas eve for our running around we would be doing. I think I’m going to give someone some money to buy me one. PLEASE DONT GO BUYING ME SWEATERS! The purchase came from our account. It was a gift from her to me. I need to pay for it, but it hurts to think about not opening up that perfect sweater every year.
So, after I left Claire’s, I went to Dave and Busters. Again, shouldn’t spend money, but there’s a deeper reason.
Wednesdays are half price on all games. Again, hear me out. Kim and I went to Dave and Busters on our first date. We have been many times since. Some of you were at my surprise bday party when I turned 40, she threw for me…at DAVE AND BUSTERS. We would bring Ava there as well. Over the last 10 years we accumulated lots of tickets. The most expensive item in the gift shop there is a ROOMBA vacuum for 100,000 tickets. We have over that. My idea was this… going forward I would start a NEW card there for when I go with Ava. When Ava and I go we would earn tickets and she could use them as she earns them but every so often Id use “Kim’s” card to add tickets to it. This way whenever Ava has a bday, a milestone, Christmas, etc., we could go there and she could pick out a gift from Mom and Dad. Even with over 100k tickets, that could wind down fast there. Today I figured I’d open a card and spend $10 on each card to build some tix on our new card while adding some to our old card.
To date, I take Ava to D&B every time we have something to celebrate, like a bday, last day of kindergarten, etc. I let her pick out a prize off of mom and dads’ card because its coming from both of us. I have to keep Kim’s name and memory alive. I have to keep her presence and essence alive. I know she isn’t physically here, but I know she is with us. That will probably kick off my next post to be honest. Some of our traditions were a little less in a tradition category as they were just our daily life. We had a great playground we would go to near Ava’s preschool. We loved it but it has been taken down. Another smack in the face that life gives you to remind you that nothing is forever. Again, I wanted to protect Ava but this time I asked her about what she was feeling. This was from 2019:
Took Ava to the park after school today. Kim religiously took her there after school. Id surprise them on my way home from work and just show up sometime. When I got there, I was sad to see someone destroyed the fence to the gazebo area. We played a while and had a blast. I of course just kept Thinking about all The Times we shared there with Kim. On the way back to the car I said “Ava, I have a big girl question for you. How do you feel when we come here now without momma?”
Her reply: “Happy. Because when I come here it helps me remember momma”.
This child is unreal. Could any adult have constructed a more eloquent, poetic, truthful, and inspiring answer? She is beyond her years and continues to teach me. Humble and grateful.
I am learning as I go. Along with managing my own grief/ptsd, I need to be sure I’m making the best choices for Ava as well as myself. I know Ill mess up, and when I do I try to acknowledge that, and often apologize to Ava. Its important that she know dads can and will mess up. We all do. If there was a process where we could take every negative event, no matter how big or small in our life, and we learn from it, we give meaning and importance to things that we wish would never happen. Now, there is one hell of a pipe dream, right?