Uncertain future, unsure present

We had been staying at our friends house since that night. Time was standing still, yet rushing by me too fast I was going to lose my grip. It had only been a few days, yet I already felt like being a single parent in this situation was not something anyone could do, let alone myself. This post, which originally was written a few days after I wrote the post I shared in “BROKEN”, kind of continues on with my fears of Ava not having her mom. Adults know this is a part of life, but Ava had not even lost a pet. We sheltered her from violence and death. We never had that talk, until I had no choice.

 

“Another morning…I wake up in my friends house, sharing a bed w Ava. Last night I felt a temporary shift in my emotions. I started feeling angry at all of this. I am so mad at this entire nightmare. I know this is momentary but it shifted my emotions from sorrow to anger. I know that as Tuesday approaches, I’m in trouble. A lot of people asked me if I’m taking Ava to the services. I’ve valued everyone’s input. Truth is I’m conflicted. If you asked me a week ago would I ever take a 4 year old to a wake id say no. I’ve discussed this w many people but there’s one question I was asked that shook me. “Do you think seeing her mommy like that would be a traumatic last memory of her?”. This is what is confusing me because Ava’s last memory was of me ripping her from her bed at night while Kim was suffering horribly, as I sped through the city, screaming at 911 to have a team in the parking lot ready. Ava was there for the entire horrible scene. So, what does she recall? What’s her memory? When we do talk about mom, she doesn’t want to talk about her much. However, every night at bed, she starts to cry about not having her mommy. I talk with her doing my best, but it hurts so bad. I truly now am lost. I spent the first 48 hours mourning the past and present but it shifted to the future. I’m so sad at all of the things Kim, Ava, and I are robbed of. I have no idea how we wake up Christmas morning to open gifts without her. No idea. No idea how we make new memories in places Kim was such a vibrant part of. Kim had so much going for her. She was finding happiness all over. She just accepted a new job. after a year and a half of looking, she found one! She was elected board member to the State Genealogy Association. Last night a member sent me photos of her in the meetings. It devastated me all over. She was so damn happy. Why? I actually prayed last night. I want to know why? I don’t know what i believe right now. I want to know she is somewhere great and happy but I don’t. Its hard to believe there is any better place for her than where she was, with us. I love her so damn much. Ava loves her so damn much. The videos….listening to her life…. oh man…. Today Ava and I meet a counselor. Its not one we will be going to regularly because its too far up in Warwick, but its someone helping me out quick before the services. I’m still waiting for a sign but haven’t seen one yet. Trust me I’m looking.

I think we are going home today. I need to start reestablishing Ava’s routines. Our friends opened their home to us, my friends, my family, so we could grieve here till I was ready. In honesty, I don’t ever wanna go home. It feels like a tomb now. I am doing it now because my friends have time off this weekend on Monday and Tuesday so a few are offering to sleep over there with us, which I need. I’m scared of when its just Ava and I. I hate knowing that’s the harsh truth… that’s the future real soon. Ill try my best today, whatever that is. Kim, I love you. I always will. Your in Ava but your also in me. I know Ava lost the best momma ever and I can never make up for that. I will try to be more like you but I don’t know how. Your traits are not learnable…. they were your fiber of who you are. I love you.”

My fears were swarming around me and to add to that and the pain, I was worried so much for Ava. I have heard the stories of kids that grow up from a traumatic event. How PTSD has left some of the hardest soldiers broken. Could my little girl be that tough? would she be okay? Would I? I needed to do the right thing, but no-one could truly say what that is. Sometimes, making the right, or the smartest choice, does not always lead to the right conclusion. To me, speaking with a therapist was key. The funeral had not even happened but I knew I HAD to get us to speak with someone before I did more harm by saying or doing the wrong thing. To have had to have that discussion with Ava on that morning….that mom was gone…. I did not know what to say, so I went to Google. What I read was to not say things like, “She is up in the clouds”, or she is in a “better place”. You had to simply say, she is gone. She is not coming back. We can’t go see her again. I had to say that to a little, beautiful, smiling face, that used to cry at the preschool window when we would drop her off, or cry if we left her with a relative, because she only wanted momma and dada. We used to watch Boss Baby a lot. In that movie, in the beginning, the lead narrator talks about how his family was perfect because it was just the three of them. He compared them to a triangle, which he deemed is the STRONGEST shape because it has three perfectly equal sides. So, what kind of shape has just two sides? An incomplete one.